| Blog Newsflash! Mrs Greasy is not a "fit and proper" person to hold a cafe licence, a committee of MPs has concluded today. They also said that Mrs Greasy displayed "wilful ignorance" about how to cook food properly and "turned a blind ear to what was going on in her cafe" as regards protests from her customers complaining about her rotten cooking. 1 May 2012 4.53pm
I'm hacked off!! Why am I the only person whose phone hasn't been hacked? 9 July 2011 4.24pm  | Mike the Manic Mechanic
Because the technology hasn't been invented to hack into mobile phones as old as yours. Was it before or after the Napoleonic Wars that you bought your current mobile phone? |  | Des Wednesday
I think it was after. | | Des Wednesday
I've remembered now, I got it the day before the Su Pollard Gotcha on Noel's House Party. |  | Clive Kippers
Thank goodness you told us that vital information. |
Top of the Pops! I've just noticed they've brought back Top of the Pops!!! I watched it last night and there was Mud, Cliff Richard, Thin Lizzy, Dolly Parton, Tony Blackburn and The Rolling Stones. I didn't enjoy it much, I don't like all that modern music. I'd much rather it went back to what it was like in 1976. 14 June 2011 2.15pm
Spending cuts Today I have announced that, as part of a series of spending cuts, I shall no longer be spending any money at Mrs Greasy's cafe or Dickie the Vicar's discos. The changes take place with immediate effect. 20 October 2010 6.24pm
The Ed Miller Band to lead the Labour Party! I've just heard that apparently The Ed Miller Band have been elected leaders of the Labour party! I don't understand this, I didn't think it was allowed for pop groups to be voted the leaders of political parties! I've never even heard of them! Anyone got any of their records? 25 September 2010 6.04pm
Pope jokes What's the Pope's favourite television programme?
'Top of the Popes'.
What's the Pope's favourite kind of music?
Pope music.
What's the Pope's favourite kind of drink?
Fizzy pope.
What's the Pope's favourite novelty song?
'Pope Goes the Weasel'.
What does the Pope eat when he goes to the cinema?
Pope-corn.
What does the Pope say to Mrs Pope when he's going down the shops?
"I'm just pope-ing down to the shops". 17 September 2010 12.16pm
Last of the Summer Wine axed!!!!!!! I can't believe they've got rid of Last of the Summer Wine!! I mean, they hardly gave it a chance, have they?! How can a show like this ever expect to build up an audience when it gets taken off air just when it gets going?!?!? 30 August 2010 1.08pm
Fourth plinth WHo's going up onto the spare plinth in Trafalgar Square then? I've decided to go up there dressed as former Radio 1 DJ Paul Burnett. 10 July 2009 2.34pm
Eurovision in two weeks time!!! But it's not going to be any good this year because good old Tony Wogan has been forced to stand down as apparently it's not allowed for an Irishman to commentate for Great Britain, and instead he's going to be replaced with the rubbish Graham Norton!! Eurovision is ruined!!!! 2 May 2009 11.11am
I've got a brilliant idea to save the economy!!! Why don't they just print more money? I bet no one's thought of that!!!! 11 April 2009 8.08pm
G 20 summit Anyone go to the G-20 summit today? I did, it was great! 2 April 2009 6.51pm
WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!! Identity of new Doctor revealed!! I've got the scoop!! I know who the new Doctor is!! I overheard some people talking in the post office queue this morning, apparently the new Doctor is going to be a Dr Ian Ferguson. He takes over on Monday morning, which seems rather short notice to me!! 21 November 2008 12.14pm
OFFICIAL!! Doctor Who star stands down!!! It's true, I've just heard it on the news! Doctor Who star Russell Brand has announced his resignation!! What a bombshell!! Russell is my third favourite Doctor of all time, after Sylvester McCoy and Jimmy Savile!! 30 October 2008 6.07pm
Clive Kippers is NOT James Bond Just to clear up any confusion, in case anyone was wondering, I would like to be able to confirm that, despite reports to the contrary, my next-door neighbour, a certain Mr Clive Kippers, is definitely NOT going to be the next James Bond! 19 September 2007 7.10pm
Election time! Now that the prime minister's stepping down, they've got to find a replacement for him, obviously! So who are you going to vote for? There's no obvious candidate for the job as far as I can see, so I've been thinking about it VERY carefully, weighing up all the options, and I've come to the decision that the best candidate has to be Gordon! It would be so exciting to see him rise to the very top, especially after he got cast aside by Phillip Schofield all those years ago! Everyone vote Gordon!! 26 June 2007 3.07pm  | Wayne Coach
im voting for ed the duck |  | Mrs Greasy
Gordon the Gopher and Edd the Duck?? What preposterous suggestions! In my opinion there's only one individual capable of handling the very difficult job of prime minister, which is why my vote is going to Ratz from series 1 of Live and Kicking. | | Clive Kippers
You numpties, there is no election, and even if there was, we wouldn't get a vote anyway! | | Mike the Manic Mechanic
I voted for Saxon ;) |
Smokie ban Have I got this right? Apparently I've heard that from 1st July, they're bringing in a Smokie ban! This is outrageous, I've got loads of Smokie records, in fact 'Living Next Door to Alice' is number 27 in my Top 28 records of all time! And now they're saying that if I want to listen to Smokie I've got to do it outside! How bizarre! What if your neighbours aren't Smokie fans and shout at you for listening to your Smokie records in the garden? I know it's hard to believe, but some people actually don't like them! I think what I'll do to protest against this is to set up one of those interweb petition things, I've heard they often make a big difference to things. 17 June 2007 1.05pm | Clive Kippers
For goodness sake... | | Mrs Greasy
Des is right, this is out of order! So, from now on, when you see people standing outside shops and offices in the cold, huddled around a record player, you'll know exactly what they're up to! | | Mike the Manic Mechanic
I think there's been a bit of confusion here. The 'Smokie' in question is actually the popular Motown star Smokey Miracle, as in 'Smokey Miracle and the Robinsons'. | | Des Wednesday
Thank goodness, I don't own any of her records! | | Clive Kippers
Give me strength. |
You think you've got it bad... You didn't have to spend the whole night travelling up the M1 in a life-size replica of your own house!! Don't believe me? Oh, it was only another of Mrs Greasy's stupid schemes. Read about here: www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/27/2.htm 4 June 2007 2.36pm
Eurovision again?! Now I'm confused! I put the telly on to watch my current favourite programme, The National Lottery People's Quiz, and instead there was another Eurovision Song Contest on!!! This time, we were in it, but we still didn't win, not even with a quality song like that! I reckon it's because the rest of Europe hates us. I'm telling the BBC, if you want to win again, bring me back! After the huge success I had last time we can't fail! I'll even enter the Eurovision for kids if they want!! Just give me a bit of make-up and no one will ever know! Go on, please!! 13 May 2007 2.34pm
Eurovision! Anyone see the Eurovision Song Contest last night? I couldn't quite figure out who actually won though, anyone know? And where was Terry Wigon? And why weren't we in it? Couldn't find anyone to sing for us this year? I'll represent us again if there's no one else available! I remember when it used to be on Saturday nights, it was a lot better then, why did they move it to Thursday? It's not the like the old days, you know. 11 May 2007 10.33am
Blair's resigned!!! Well that was a bolt from the blue wasn't it? I certainly didn't see that coming! I'm genuinely shocked by the news that Mr Blair's going to step down, I really don't think 'Give Us a Clue' will be the same without him! 10 May 2007 4.15pm
Bank holiday It's the Eurovision Song Contest in a few days, woo hoo!!! Bet you don't remember when I represented us at Eurovision about ten years ago! Forget Jemini, I was the first to get nil points for the UK!! But for some reason I've been airbrushed out of history... Anyway, there's a story that tells you all about it here: www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/13/5.htm 7 May 2007 1.17pm
St George's Day Sorry, me again, but I've just heard on the television that it's St George's Day! I don't understand why people don't celebrate it, in fact for some reason every time I bring up the subject of celebrating St George's Day everyone else goes quiet and then they quickly change the subject. I can't understand it, last time we did it, six years ago tomorrow (where have the years gone??) when we re-enacted the George and the Dragon story it was a huge success (apart from when we got arrested). Anyway, strangely, because nothing much really happened on that day, there's a story you can read about it as well: www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/19/6.htm Anyway, really got to go this time, otherwise Dickie the Vicar's going to come calling on me!! 23 April 2007 7.21pm | 
Des Wednesday
