But with Des in your life, there is never a dull moment. He is prone to coming up with daft ideas that never have a hope of going right. Des means well, but he is perhaps a little naive... Read full profile
MICK WOOLLEY (Volumes 1-31)
He is keen to live an ordinary existence, but Des manages to interfere with every aspect of Mick's life. Like it or not, Mick always manages to get dragged into Des's schemes, despite usually offering warning signals... Read full profile
MRS GREASY (Volumes 2-31)
Mrs Greasy - whose first name is not known by the others - runs the cafe just round the corner from Des and Mick's houses. She is the worst cook in the world, but is completely oblivious to this fact and cannot understand why she never has any customers.
Only the regular gang ever turn up to her cafe, not to eat, but to hold their meetings... Read full profile
CLIVE KIPPERS (Volumes 1-31)
Clive is the local smarmy know-all. He hates Des, and Des hates him. He is always the first to pour scorn on Des's ideas, but just like Mick, always gets mixed up in his schemes in the end. Traditionally, it is Clive who comes out on top, but more recent stories have shown that Clive cannot always be right.
Clive has the shiniest hair in the area, due to the mountains of hair gel that he puts on... Read full profile
WAYNE COACH (Volumes 1-31)
Wayne is the local idiot, whose main purpose is to make Des look clever. A real expert in the field of window cleaning, he knows nothing about anything else, and is as naive and gullible as they come. Wayne will believe anything you tell him. He has a mental age of about nine.
He is the only person to look up to Des, and is always the first to give support to him in his schemes... Read full profile
MIKE THE MANIC MECHANIC (Volumes 9, 11-31)
Michael Medford, commonly known as Mike the Manic Mechanic, runs the local independent garage, Mike's Manic Motors. A car fanatic, he is first and foremost a mechanic, and made his first appearance when he turned Des's Fiat 126 into a supersonic car. He is also involved with the used car market, selling dubious thirty year-old Ford Capris.
Something of a lunatic (so he fits in well with the local residents) he is often involved with Des's schemes... Read full profile
DICKIE THE VICAR (Volumes 11-31)
The Rev Richard Rogers, otherwise known as Dickie the Vicar, is the vicar at St Malcolm's Church. His aim is to update the image of the church and tries in vain to attract younger people to his services, by wearing a baseball cap and saying things like 'fab' and 'groovy'. He is always happy to allow Des and Mick to borrow the church hall for whatever they want.
Dickie also takes his church out to his congregation by use of his 'churchmobile'... Read full profile
FARMER FILES (Volumes 1-31)
Farmer Files - whose first name is also known only by himself - is the local pig farmer, who begins every sentence with the immortal phrase "Ooooh arrrrrr!!!", and speaks with a thick West Country accent.
But in the year 2000 Files, in a shock move, sold his farm and became an entrepreneur, launching a whole range of products and ventures under the PIG brand... Read full profile
Other significant characters
Trendy Tracy (Volumes 29-31)
Mike the Manic Mechanic shocked Des and Mick in 2008 by announcing his engagement to Trendy Tracy, who worked at the local laundrette. Tracy is not impressed by Mike's twin obsessions with cars and rock music; while as far as Mike is concerned, Tracy is not well-blessed in the brains department - but is she? And will their marriage last? Only time will tell...
Fred Snarkbucket (Volumes 27, 28, 31)
Fred - the man with a big chin and a big grin - was an apparently multi-talented new arrival in town in 2007 - an ace window cleaner, car salesman, chef and DJ. In fact Fred turned out to have three identical siblings - Ted, Rod and Sid. The Snarkbucket brothers eventually moved to Aberdeen to take over Mrs McGreasy's cafe. But a major event in 2016 would cause Fred to become estranged from his brothers and return to Tolworth.
Pierre-Jean Verdigris (Volumes 2, 9, 15, 31)
Des and Mick first met Pierre-Jean, who is a Frenchman would you believe, when he took them on a tour of some small French cafes. Later, he became expert in abstract art, and then a skiing instructor. Many years later, Fred and Tracy met Pierre-Jean at Aberdeen University, and in 2016 the three of them came back to Tolworth. But in a post-Brexit world, will Pierre-Jean be able to stay or will he be forced to return to France?
Dave Presley (Volumes 1, 11-17, 19, 29, 31)
Dave was the local Elvis impersonator - he talked just like the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and was never seen without his jumpsuit, shades and quiff. However he showed not the slightest bit of talent in the music department. The horizontally-challenged Dave could be seen constantly munching on hamburgers, which he transported in his guitar case. Dave left The Chronicles of Des and Mick in 2000 to start a new music career in the Caribbean, miming to old Elvis songs.
Phyllis Wednesday (Volumes 1, 2, 7-10, 12-15, 17, 20, 21)
Phyllis is Des's busy-body aunt, who brought him up until he was sixteen. Phyllis demands absolute perfection - all males must wear a tie, haircuts must be symmetrical, grass must be the same height throughout the garden, and her house spotless. She married Ralph Berkshire in 1994, having found a man subservient enough to do all the housework and carry her shopping. They divorced four years later when Ralph attempted to sell Phyllis's priceless painting, a family heirloom.
Ralph Berkshire (Volumes 7-14)
Aunty Phyllis's trainspotter husband, who lived in the area between 1994 and 1998. Obsessed with trains, he had little chance to indulge his passion, as he soon discovered Phyllis only married him so he could carry her shopping for her - a thankless task. After the couple divorced Ralph was reunited with his old friend Tommy Thomas. Together they reformed their 60s pop band Tommy and the Drearies, and now tour the country (by train, of course), playing 60s revival concerts.
PC Plod (Volumes 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14, 16-31)
The humourless PC Plod represents the long arm of the law in the world of Des and Mick.
Sherlock Bones (Volumes 8, 12, 13, 15, 16, 20, 22, 24, 27)
The useless, non-ace detective, who comes free with Dr Whoson. Forced to move away from Baker Street due to the cost of rent, Bones and Whoson live in a top floor flat at Carol Vorderman House, Romford, and are always on hand to investigate whatever it is Des and Mick need investigating. Due to their Ford Cortina currently being out of action, they race to the scene of the crime by bus. Bones is good at one thing, though - playing the double bass.
Dr Whoson (Volumes 8, 12, 13, 15, 16, 20, 22, 24, 27)
The hyper-intelligent, and completely bald, assistant to Sherlock Bones. He has appalling dress sense. Whoson does all the work on their investigations while Bones takes the credit. However due to recent lack of cases to solve, Bones and Whoson now fill their spare time by running their own record company.
Doug Whitehouse (Volumes 1-10)
Mick's manager in those dim and distant days when he worked for the Sunset Insurance Company. In the first nine volumes, Doug seemed to have a habit of popping all over the place, evidently unable to hold down a job for any length of time. Finally, at the start of volume 10, Des and Mick took it upon themselves to find him a job he was suited to.
Dennis Switch (Volumes 1-4)
The milkman in the early days of The Chronicles of Des and Mick.
The Village Idiot (Volume 4)
No one really knows who the Village Idiot is, or where he comes from. Only one thing is certain - he's an idiot!
Malcolm (Volumes 4-5)
Des and Mick's boring, darts-obsessed neighbour, who came to an unfortunate end at Farmer Files's Open Day.
Nicholas the Parson (Volumes 16, 26, 29)
Dickie the Vicar's austere boss.
RoboDes (Volume 17)
Robotic version of Des.
Dolly (Volumes 17, 18)
The result of the world's first human cloning experiment - a clone of Wayne!
Mrs Dickie (Volumes 22, 24, 26)
Dickie the Vicar's oft-mentioned but rarely seen missus, renowned for her back-to-front cakes.
Ms Greasy (Volumes 22, 24, 28)
Mrs Greasy's extremely strict sister, who ran the cafe for a while.
Father Christmas (Volumes 2, 9, 19, 23, 31)
Purveyor of presents at the festive season.