by Daniel Sellars, based on characters created by Robert Williams

Des got a phone call one morning. Strangely enough, he went to answer it.

"Hello," was the highly unusual way Des greeted the phone. Then followed a lengthy conversation that went on for about ten minutes.

"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Des when he put the phone down. Then he ran over to Mrs Greasy's cafe (not something he usually did) to tell the others the exciting news.

Over at the cafe, not much was happening. Mick was reading his paper, Wayne was scoffing his brunch, Clive was feeling bored, Mrs Greasy was cooking up a pasta bake for lunch, and Dickie was giving himself a sermon.

Then came a sudden shock. Never seen before in the history of human mankind. Something that would whack the entire life out of a dragon. Des had burst into the cafe.

"You'll never guess what!!!" exclaimed Des.

"You've stopped being an dimwit," said Clive.

"You're going to be the new Prime Minister," said Mick, in his ever humorous way.

"You've done yer dream and become a dustman!" said Wayne.

"You want to try some of my buttered lasagne!" said Mrs Greasy.

"You've become a Buddhist," said Dickie the Vicar.

"No, none of those," said Des. "And what do you mean become a Buddhist?... Anyway, I have become a newsreader for the BBC!"

No one looked the slightest bit interested.

"Well?" said Des.

"Well what? You've become a newsreader? We know you'll get the sack after one day!" said Clive, generously.

"No I won't! Because I have taken over from Huw Edwards on the 'Ten O' Clock News'!" said Des.

"Yeah right! Why swap a respectable broadcaster for a numbskull like you?! We know you're lying," said Clive, still feeling generous.

"Oh yeah?! Well, in fact, I'm now on my way to Television Centre! I've even got my script prepared here!" said Des. He thrust a few scribbled notes in their faces.

"Well, what do they say on them?" asked Mick.

"Just wait and see, Mick my old friend!" said Des. "It's a surprise!"

"I don't like it when he says that," said Clive. "Who knows what he might come up with?!"

Ten o' clock soon came, so Mick, Clive, Mrs Greasy and Dickie the Vicar (he cancelled his disco) all crumbled into Mick's living room to witness this major moment in history.

"This is going to be a complete and utter disaster," said Clive. For what he didn't know, was that he was right.

"And now on BBC1, the news with Des Wednesday. If you're wondering where Huw Edwards is, he was feeling ill, and we couldn't find anyone else, so we decided to draft any old fool in!" said the continuity announcer.

"Taken over my..." said Clive.

"CLIVE!!" interrupted Mick.

Then Des came on screen. With his tank-top and flares, he looked as though he was presenting some seventies quiz show, rather than a news bulletin.

"The headlines," read Des, flatly. "Cat gets stuck up tree in Zimbabwe; a man has cheese potato for his tea; a squirrel runs up a tree in Maston Park, East Staffordshire; an idiot called George Kent from Manchester loses his ballpoint pen; and an even bigger idiot called Clive Kippers calls the legend Desmond Wednesday a numbskull ."

Then the titles played. With Des reading the news, this was probably the best part of the bulletin.

"Good evening," said Des, squinting at the autocue. "We start with the shocking news tonight that a cat has got stuck up a tree in Zimbabwe. It happened in Zimbabwe, and the cat hasn't yet become unstuck. Now for further developments, lets cross to our special correspondent, Wayne Coach, for the very latest. Wayne."

"'Allo, it's yer old mate Wayne 'ere," said the aforementioned. "Yes a cat has definitely got stuck up a tree somewhere, and er, er, yes, a cat has definitely got stuck up a tree, er, er, somewhere. Back to you Des."

"Wayne, thank you. And of course we'll have further developments through out the night, on that story, on BBC News 27. Now our next story and a man have had cheese potato for his tea. He was offered butter to go with it, but simply refused. Now lets cross over to our correspondent, Mechanic Mike the Manic, for the very latest. Manic."

"Thanks Des," said Manic, sorry Mike. "Well, here I am in, er, er, oh cheers director; here I am in Beijing this evening, where this event took place. Yes, er, er, er, yes, a er, man, has had cheese potato for his tea. Back to you Des."

"Thanks Mike," said Des. "Well let's now go back to our story about the cat, and our new correspondent, Nervous Norma, for the latest. Norma."

"Thanks Des," said Norma, shakily. "Wellthecathasnowfelloutofthetreeanddiedthat'sitIneedtoiletbyeeee!"

"Thank you Norma," said Des. "And just another reminder, that the cat did get stuck up the tree and then fell down and died."

"He's dreadful!" said Clive. "I knew he'd be bad, but not this bad!"

"I know! Bring back Richard 'I'm Morecambe and Wise' Baker!" said Mick.

And then the bulletin ended. Just after the continuity announcer had confirmed that Des Wednesday would never, ever, ever, ever present a BBC News bulletin ever again, much to the Great British Public's relief, the foursome went to bed. But they didn't get much sleep, since Wayne had took to rapping along to the BBC News signature tune all night.

Copyright © Daniel Sellars 2007

This story is a visitor contribution - if you want to try your hand at writing for Des and Mick then please send your stories or ideas to me at the usual e-mail address and I will consider them for inclusion.

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