by Daniel Sellars, based on characters created by Robert Williams

"It's my birthday soon," said Des one morning in the cafe.

"How interesting," said Mick. "How long away?"

"About nine months."

Nine months later, the usual gang were in the cafe.

"Do you know what's happening soon?" said Des.

"I'm going to be named the world's cleverest person," said Clive.

"I'm going to become Prime Minister of America!" said Wayne.

"I'm going to sell a car," said Mike.

"Your going to enrol in 'learning how to be normal' classes," said Mick.

"I'm going to be holding another groovy charity disco to raise funds to fix the church roof," said Dickie the Vicar (you don't say).

"I'm going to cook a tasty meal consisting of beef burgers, chips, lasagne, spaghetti, peas, bacon, eggs and mashed potato!" said Mrs Greasy.

"No none of those," said Des. "I am going to be celebrating my 58th birthday in two days' time!" said Des.

"Oh I knew that!" said Mrs Greasy. "When you told me nine months ago, I got straight away to make your birthday cake! It's probably gone a bit mouldy now, but I am the world's greatest cook, so it's bound to be edible!"

"Yeah whatever," said Des. "Anyway, I'm going to be holding a party at my house on Monday evening, because that's when my birthday is, and I'm going to be inviting lots of celebrities, such as Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, John Prescott and Ann Widdecombe!"

"Don't they all have something in common?" asked Mick.

"Of course they do, they're all top celebrities!" exclaimed Des. "Also, I'm sure you lot will all be there. Except for Clive of course, I don't want him cramping my style in front of John Prescott!"

"I'll have to start preparing my buttered corn beef sandwich beef burgers for Gordon Brown!" said Mrs Greasy.

"And thank goodness Tony Blair's coming!" said Wayne. "I've always wanted to ask him why he decided to become a pop singer..."

"Maybe I could get that Ann girl to be my new DJ to rake in more disco profits!" said Dickie.

"Glad I'm not coming," said Clive.

"Des, do you honestly think any of these 'top celebrities' will come?! I mean they're MPs for God's sake! They're hardly going to come round here for a party at your house are they?!" said Mick.

"I'm a local celebrity, may I remind you Mick Woolley?! Besides, I did ask Stan Boardman but he's busy Monday night," said Des.

"You really are entering the realms of fantasy now," said Mick.

"Shut up," said Des.

Monday night soon came, and Des was worried. He'd put on his best tank top, best flares and even washed his hair. Yet not one, not one, celebrity had shown up.

"Where are they?! I told them to be here for six o clock!" said Des.

"They'll be here soon, they're perhaps just running a bit late!" said Mick.

"Yes but Wayne and Mrs Greasy are the only two who have arrived!"

"Here, have a buttered corn beef sandwich beef burger to cheer you up, Des!" said Mrs Greasy.

"No thank you," said Des.

The door bell then rang. Des went to answer it, and in walked Tony Blair. Mick stared in amazement.

"Oh do come in Tony, mind the television wire," warned Des. Tony tripped it up, which made Wayne burst out laughing.

"WAYNE!!" said Des. "So sorry about him, Tony, he does get a little excited at times!"

"Oh don't worry. That's a strange looking object there, if you don't mind me saying," said Tony, pointing to the burgers.

"Oh they're just my tasty corned beef sandwich beef burgers, prime minister! Would you like one?!" offered Mrs Greasy.

"Maybe later," said Tony.

There was then an uncomfortable silence.

"So, er, Tony, when are you planning on quitting Downing Street?" asked Mick, politely.

"You're leaving??!!" exclaimed Wayne, who burst into tears. The others buried their head in their hands.

"I'm not sure Mick, sometime soon," answered Tony. "I was going to leave in the summer, but someone called Jonathan Prescottsoner convinced me to stay."

"Oh don't worry, you go when you're ready Prime Minister," said Mick.

There was then another uncomfortable pause.

"Are you sure you don't want a burger yet, Prime Minister?" asked Mrs Greasy.

"Probably later (when I'm dead)," said Tony.

Just then the doorbell rang. Des went to answer it.

"Oh hello Ann, how nice to see you! Do come in!" exclaimed Des.

"Don't you call me Ann, you call me Mrs Widdecombe! And what is a member of the opposition doing in the lounge?!"

"Member of the opposition?" asked a confused Des.

"Yes that little weasel giving me disturbing looks!"

"Oh that's Wayne, he'll do you no harm!" said Des.

"That's right!" said Wayne. "I do no harm!"

"I'm talking about him in the suit!"

"What my signed picture of Des O' Connor? He's a picture; he'll do you no harm!"

"That's right!" said the picture. "I do no harm!"

"I'm not talking about the picture; I'm talking about Tony Blair! Or Tony B.Liar, as I call him!"

"What did you just call me, you Conservative??!!" exclaimed Tony.

"Don't you shout at me, you numpty! I've tackled yobs who are bigger than you!"

"Oh on that ITV programme, 'Tonight with Trevor McDoughnut'! I'm not surprised no-one watches the channel any more, not with Conservatives on it!"

"And I'm not surprised anyone listens to you any more, not with the amount of tarmac that pours out of your mouth!"

"Can we please stop arguing?!" interrupted Des. "I've just had phone calls from John Prescott and Gordon Brown, and I'm afraid to say, they will not be coming!"

"Oh what a shame!" said a sarcastic Mick.

"Oh no!" said Wayne, not so sarcastic.

"Oh well, more burgers for everyone! And more cake!" said Mrs Greasy.

"Oh no!" exclaimed everyone, except for Wayne, who exclaimed "Oh yes!".

"Happy birthday Des," said Des to himself.

Copyright © Daniel Sellars 2007

This story is a visitor contribution - if you want to try your hand at writing for Des and Mick then please send your stories or ideas to me at the usual e-mail address and I will consider them for inclusion.

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