by Robert Williams

Des and Mick were bored. They had been around the UK in eighty days, and were now sitting bored stiff in Des's living room in Chelmsford.

"You said there was always something to do when you're at home all day," said Mick.

"Mowed the lawn?" said Des.

"Yes," said Mick.

"Done the dusting?"

"Yes."

"Made the beds?"

"Yes."

"Then you really are in trouble!" said Des.

So what could they do? Des and Mick racked their brains. But they just could not think of anything to do.

By 1.00pm Des and Mick were feeling hungry so Des took a box of chocolate biscuits out of the larder, while Mick made two cups of tea. They sat in the kitchen for twenty minutes eating and drinking.

At 1.25pm they went back into the living room. They sat in silence for fifty minutes until Des decided to say something.

"We haven't heard from Bob Lattenbury for a long time."

"Oh Des! He's been killed twice recently."

"Oh no!" said Des. "Is he all right?"

"I don't think so," said Mick.

They sat in silence for another forty-five minutes.

"What's in the newspaper?" asked Mick.

"Chips," answered Des.

"Eh?" said Mick. He picked up Des's copy of the newspaper, and out fell some cold chips.

"Told you," said Des. "What's going on then?"

"Errr.." said Mick. "Oh just the usual. Six members of the royal family have split up, the government's lost a vital vote in the Commons and Frank Sinatra's making a comeback."

"Same as usual," said Des.

"Hang on a minute!" said Mick. "This paper's dated 24th March 1988!!"

"Yes, but the same old news happens every day, so I might just as well keep the same paper," said Des. "I've lost count of the number of meals I've eaten out of that paper!"

"Er, yes," said Mick, gingerly putting the newspaper down, as remains of old fish and chips kept falling out.

There was then a half-hour pause before Mick noticed that it had started raining.

"Oh look Des, it's raining," said the ever-observant Mick.

"Eh?" said Des. "No, that's Wayne come to clean my windows!"

"I thought you weren't going to employ him again," said Mick.

"No I don't, but he still comes round," said Des. "Let's have an intellectual conversation with him."

He opened the window and heard Wayne singing the theme tune to 'Rainbow'.

"Maybe not," said Des, closing the window again. Ten seconds later Wayne fell off his ladder (despite the fact that he was cleaning the ground floor windows).

"Oh, is he all right?!" exclaimed Des, opening the window again.

"Don't worry about him," said Mick. "He's a trained faller-off-ladders. Trouble is he isn't a trained window cleaner."

Another fifty minutes went past, during which Wayne finished cleaning the windows.

"Ah, at last something to do," said Des. He went and got a bucket of water and cleaned the windows himself.

"Now we can see through them again," he said once he had finished cleaning the windows which Wayne had uncleaned.

"Yes, and it means we can see that it really has started raining," said Mick.

"Oh that's typical isn't it," said Des. "I know. Let's go outside and get soaked."

So they went outside and got soaked. Meanwhile, Ken Philliday - the boring man from across the road - came out of his house and walked into the middle of the road.

"Hey Ken!" shouted Des. "Why are you standing the middle of the road?"

"Because I'm bored!" replied Ken.

"So are we!" shouted Mick. "What a coincidence!"

"Do you want to join me?" asked Ken.

"Why not?" said Des.

They walked into the middle of the road and all three were instantly run over by a Morris Marina.

"Phew, lucky I was wearing my Morris Marina-proof vest," said Des, standing up unharmed.

"So was I!" exclaimed Mick, also standing up unharmed.

"Was Ken wearing one?" said Des. He had a look. "No, he wasn't."

"Oh well, never mind. It was only boring Ken from across the road."

Des and Mick went back into Des's house, as it had stopped raining. It was time for their mid-afternoon tea and chocolate biscuits. When they had finished they went back outside and were confronted by Farmer Files and a load of pigs.

"What on earth do you think you're doing?!" exclaimed Mick.

"Ooooh arrrrr!!!" exclaimed Farmer Files. "Oi be takin' moi porkers for a walkies!!"

"What? In a suburban street in Cheltenham?" said Mick.

"Ooooh arrrrrr!!! Yes, that's roight tha' is!!" was the reply. "Moi porkers be bored wi' the country lanes!!"

"Yes, well, we'd better go inside and have our late afternoon tea and biscuits," said Des.

"Ooooh arrrrrr!!! We'd loike to join you!!"

"We?" said Des.

"Oooooh arrrrrr!!! Moiself and the porkers!!"

"Errr, well, Farmer Files," said Mick, "there's a new programme on the television now all about pig farming. It might interest you and the pigs."

"Ooooh arrrrrr!!! Tha' be a good oidea!!! Come on, moi porkers!! Let's go back to the faaaarm and watch the television!!"

So they did.

"Well done Mick," said Des.

"I didn't think it'd work," said Mick. "After all, Files hasn't even got a television!"

"Actually, that programme sounds rather interesting! I think I'll go in and watch it!"

"No, no, no," groned Mick. "I just made it up to get rid of silly old Farmer Files and his pigs!"

"Oh botherations," said Des. "We'll just have to watch Opera Wintery instead!"

"I'd rather sit in silence," said Mick.

"Okay," said Des.

So they Des and Mick back inside and sat in silence for a further two hours, except for eating their tea, until it was 6.30 and time for their favourite programme, 'Outlook East'.

Des was flabbergasted, though, when he saw that 'Outlook East' did not seem to want to come onto his television.

"Mick," he said. "My telly is broken."

"Maybe the aerial has gone funny," said Mick.

So Des climbed onto the roof and fiddled around the aerial, but with no avail. 'Outlook East' still would not appear.

Des and Mick tried everything, from taking the television apart and looking inside to see if anything was wrong in there, to turning it on. Nothing worked. So Des called the television licence man, who came round and turned up the brightness control. Problem solved.

Except that 'Outlook East' had finished. There was nothing else worth watching on the television, so Des and Mick just sat on their chairs and did nothing.

Des and Mick were bored.

Copyright © Robert Williams