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ELVIS IS A DANGEROUS MAN

by Robert Williams

Dave Presley was innocently watching 'Crimewatch UK' one evening when he was surprised to see a photofit picture of himself on the screen. Apparently he had stolen two Mars Bars and a packet of marshmallows from the local sweet shop and was on the run from the police in the Kingston-Surbiton area. The reconstruction showed it graphically as a large character in a jumpsuit and shades pocketed the goods and quietly slipped out of the shop.

"Do not approach this man," said Nick Ross on the television, "as he is believed to be dangerous. The police also advise you not to eat Mars Bars and marshmallows in daylight. If you see this man, please contact us immediately. And please, don't have nightmares."

"Oh no, man!" exclaimed Dave, choking on his hamburger. It wasn't long before Des, Mick and Clive were banging on the front door. "Oh man!! It's the police!! Go away!! I'm not here!!"

"It's only us!" said Des. "Let us in!"

Dave cautiously opened the door and let the trio in.

"I saw you on 'Crimewatch'!!" said Des.

"We didn't think you were like that!" said Mick.

"It weren't me, man!" protested Dave. "I don't even like marshmallows!!!"

"You mean it was an Elvis impersonator impersonator!!" laughed Clive.

"This ain't no laughin' matter, man! What am I going to do?! The police are gonna be after me!"

"I have an idea," said Mick."Hey, that makes a change," said Des.

"You will have to disguise yourself as someone else," said Mick.

"Like Des!" said Clive.

"Yes! That's it!" said Mick.

"Oh no, not again," said Des. "We've already had Ralph dressing up as me!"

"And what a brilliant disguise!" said Mick.

"Wasn't that a Bruce Springsteen song?" said Clive.

"Everyone except Phyllis was fooled!" said Mick. "Des is such an easy character to impersonate! He's nondescript enough! All you need is a 70s football player wraparound hairstyle wig, woolly tank-top, specs and flares!"

"Mick, man, I think it's the only answer!" said Dave.

"And you'll only have to stay in disguise until they catch the real culprit!"

"Just hang on a minute!" said Des. "What about me?!"

"It'll be very suspicious if there's two Des Wednesdays walking round the place," said Mick.

"Come on Des, you don't get out much anyway," said Clive. "You can just hang around the house for a bit, do a bit of decorating...no, on second thoughts, don't do any decorating. Look, it's for a friend in need!"

"Come on Des, man!!" said Dave.

"Oh all right!!" sighed Des. He brought round a selection of tanktops and flares, as well as the wig Ralph had used when impersonating Des.

"This is going to be interesting," said Clive. "Dave is about twice the size of Des!!"

Dave jumped out of his Elvis jumpsuit, and just managed to squeeze into Des's gear.

"Hey man, it just about fits!" exclaimed Dave. He swapped his shades for Des's 70s-style tinted glasses.

"Well as far as I'm concerned, that's Des!" said Mick.

"Just one thing," said Des. "If you're going to be me, please remember not to say 'man' in every sentence."

"Okay, man!" said Dave.

Over the next few days, Dave gained the keys to Des's Fiat 126 (which was not use since he couldn't squeeze inside) and generally lived the life of Wednesday. The only comments he received were concerning his sudden increase in weight. Meanwhile Des was stuck inside, which he didn't mind too much.

"I'm loving this!" said Des, when Mick came round to visit. "No more having to go to Mrs Greasy's meetings, and Dave doing all my shopping for me! All I have to do is stay here and do...nothing... How's Dave doing?"

"He's talking rubbish all day and annoying everyone," said Mick.

"Oh," said Des.

"He's making a very good job of being you!" laughed Mick. "The only thing is, he keeps saying 'man'."

"Oh dear, man," said Des.

A couple of weeks went by, and despite the advice of Nick Ross, Wayne has been having nightmares every night about the Mars Bar and marshmallow robberies. The offending Elvis had still not been caught, and Des was beginning to get a bit bored. Then he noticed Dave's jumpsuit and shades in the wardrobe which he was looking after for Dave.

"Hmmm..." he thought. It wasn't long before Des was dancing round in Dave's jumpsuit and shades, with a cushion pushed down the front, singing Elvis's greatest hits.

Just then the doorbell rang. Without a seconds thought, he opened the door and saw PC Plod standing there, running house-to-house enquiries to find out who had pinched the bell off his bicycle.

"Hi there, PC Plod, man!" said Des.

"A-ha!!! Elvis!! Found you at last! You're nicked!" said PC Plod.

"What????" exclaimed Des. "I didn't pinch your bell!"

"Not that!!!" exclaimed Plod. "We've been after you for weeks, Elvis! For the Mars Bar and marshmallow robberies!!"

"No, no, there's been a mistake, I'm not..."

But Plod had handcuffed Des, and was soon escorting him down to the station. Des was soon banged up in custody.

"But it wasn't me, man!!" protested Des as he was led into the cell.

"How many Elvis impersonators operate in this area?" said the policeman.

"Well...one, but, but..."

Des's protests were to no avail. Before long, the others had heard of Des's misfortune.

"Oh what a dipstick!" exclaimed Clive. "Fancying dressing up as Elvis like that!! Who in their right mind would do that?!"

Dave looked at him.

"Oh sorry Des," said Clive.

"That's all right," said Dave. "Got any more chocolate biscuits?"

"We'll have to get him out," said Mick. "We need to prove his innocence! And I have a plan!"

"Not another one!" exclaimed Clive.

"Yes!" said Mick. "Now what was the only reason Des got arrested for?"

"For looking like Elvis," said Mrs Greasy.

"Correct!" said Mick. "He was the first person the police came across who looked like Elvis! So what would happen if six more Elvis Presleys were to turn up at the police station? Des would then be no more under suspicion than the rest of them!"

"Hang on," said Clive. "Where are we going to find six more Elvis Presleys??!!"

"Des, sorry, Dave," said Mick. "How many spare jumpsuits have you?"

"About thirty," said Dave.

"Brilliant," said Mick.

"You're saying I've got to dress up as Elvis?!" said Clive.

"Yes!!!" exclaimed Mick.

"And what if we all get banged up!" exclaimed Clive.

"That won't happen," said Mick. "Trust me."

Mick, Clive, Wayne, Mrs Greasy, Dave and Mike kitted themselves out in Elvis gear, and then that same afternoon the desk at the police station received a surprise visitor.

"Hey man!" said Elvis. "Let Elvis free! He's an innocent man!"

"Eh??" said PC Plod, who was manning the desk.Just then a second Elvis walked in.

"Set that man free, man!!"

And then a third Elvis turned up.

"Let him out, man!!!"

Two more Elvis Presleys quickly followed, and soon there was the bizarre sight of six jumpsuited, wig and shade-wearing characters standing at the police desk, with a bewildered PC Plod not quite sure what to do. So he stuck them all in the same police cell as Des, who was busy munching on a hamburger and was as bewildered as the police to see six Elvises enter his cell.

"Oh!" he exclaimed as they removed their glasses. "It's you lot! You do all look stupid, man!"

"Trust me," mimicked Clive. "We won't get banged up!"

"Well how was I supposed to know," said Mick. "Anyway, they can't keep us here for long, there's only one guilty party."

The police, meanwhile, were having a discussion, and decided to hold an identity parade.

And so the seven Elvis look-a-likes lined up in the police station, with three completely confused members of the public joining in to make up numbers. The owner of the sweet shop, a frail old lady carrying a plastic bag, was led in.

"Hey man, you've bought as some hamburgers! You're too kind!!" exclaimed Des.

"Shhhh!!" said the others.

The shopkeeper, Mrs Curly-Wurly, reached into her bag and took out two Mars Bars and a packet of marshmallows. Immediately, Wayne started salivating.

"Hmmm, they look lovely!!" said Wayne.

"Don't, Wayne!!" whispered Mick in Wayne's ear. "Can't you see what she's doing?!"

PC Plod led Mrs Curly-Wurly along the identity parade. She stared accusingly at each Elvis, and waved the confectionery under their nose. Most did not flinch, until she reached Wayne.

"Hmmm, yummy, yummy," said Wayne, quietly, who was now rubbing his hands together and was dribbling all down his jumpsuit. It was not a pleasant sight.

"Wayne, no! Resist it!" said Mick.

"I can't, I can't!" exclaimed Wayne. He grabbed the Mars Bars out of Mrs Curly-Wurly's hands and stuffed them in his mouth, completely oblivious to the consequences.

The others buried their heads in their hands.

"I don't believe it!" groaned Des. "What an idiot!!"

"Delicious!!" exclaimed Wayne with his mouth full of Mars Bar, spitting chocolate everywhere. Mrs Curly-Wurly took a very long hard look at Wayne.

"No it's not him," she snapped.

"You should think yourself very lucky!" hissed Clive to Wayne.

The shopkeeper moved onto Clive, who was last in line. She studied him long and hard, longer than anyone else. Clive started sweating.

"Okay Mrs Curly-Wurly..." said PC Plod.

"It's him!!!" exclaimed Mrs Curly-Wurly, pointing at Clive's face.

"What????!!!!" exclaimed Clive.

"That's definitely him!! I'd recognise him a mile off!!"

Des and the others looked at each other in bewilderment. Was Clive really a thief?

"Right, thank you very much, Mrs Curly-Wurly, your help has been invaluable."

Two other policemen led an outraged Clive off, while PC Plod continued with his enquiries with Mrs Curly-Wurly.

"You didn't bring along any more Mars Bars, by any chance?..."

Mrs Curly-Wurly smiled, reached into her bag and gave PC Plod another chocolate bar.

"Oh, you're too kind..."

But PC Plod never got to shove the chocolate bar into his mouth, as another member of the police force came rushing in.

"We've just had word in from our colleagues at the Croydon station. A member of the public, one Elvis Presley who is apparently a window cleaner in Purley, has confessed to the Mars Bars and marshmallow robberies!"

"Oh thank goodness for that!" exclaimed Mick, who, along with all but two of the Elvis impersonators, immediately threw off their wigs and shades. Everyone was free to leave.

"Hey man, it's so great to be able to walk down the road as Elvis again, man!" exclaimed Dave.

"I know what you're saying, man!" said Des, who was the only other member of the crew to stay in his Elvis outfit. "Tell you, why don't you and me pop down to MacDougal's and grab a hamburger!!"

"Now you're talking, man!" exclaimed Des. "It's now or never!!"


Copyright © Robert Williams
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