by Robert Williams

"I can't believe those two are still persisting with their antiques shop," said Mick in the cafe one morning. "They've been open ages, and still haven't sold anything!"

"They were doing better when they were just a mechanic and a window cleaner," said Des. "What is it about this street, that none of the businesses seem to do very well?"

"It's called The Mrs Greasy Effect," said Mick. "Every business that opens in this street is doomed to failure. It's because no one ever walks down here except us lot! No one wants to go anywhere near Mrs Greasy's cafe, so that has a knock-on effect on the other shops."

"So if we could somehow get Mrs Greasy's cafe closed down, the other shops would pick up business!" said Des.

"I don't think so!" exclaimed Clive. "Even if we got the cafe closed down, which is rather less likely than Ronnie Corbett winning an Olympic gold medal at the high jump, it'd make no difference to the other three businesses!!"

"Why do you say that, Clive?" said Des.

"This is street is like a ghost street!" said Clive. "Look, there's four shops in this block. First you've got Harry's Hardware Shop. And he won't sell anything because he's always asleep. Then there's your stupid shop selling jumpers that purport to be once owned by Tony Blackburn."

"It's not stupid," said Des. "It's not that successful, but it's not stupid!"

"You're never there anyway!" said Clive. "Every time I walk past the shop's closed!"

"I can't be bothered to spend my days standing about behind a shop counter," said Des.

"Why don't you try taking on some staff then?!" said Clive.

"I've tried, but strangely I never get any replies," said Des. "Can't understand it...unless you want a job, Clive!"

"On yer bike, matey!" said Clive.

"At least it keeps all those jumpers out of my house," said Des. "That's the main thing."

"Anyway," continued Clive, "next door to that is that ridiculous antiques shop run by a mechanic and a window cleaner that sells cheap tat with doors that fall off and has more woodworm than the entire Siberian forest! And then on the end of the block there's Mrs Greasy's cafe, and the least said about that the better!"

"Well actually, we're doing quite well thank you!" said Mike the Manic Mechanic, walking into the cafe suddenly. He was still wearing orange make-up and a curly black wig. "We've made a few changes. Come round and look!"

They all went next door to the antiques shop to find that the 'antiques once owned by famous celebrities' concept had now been ditched, and that they had come up with a new scheme to increase business in their shop.

'Everything's as cheap as chips - including the chips!!' now read the banner on the shop window. They all walked inside to find that all the antiques had been shoved to the sides, and in the middle of the shop had been placed some chairs and tables.

"What on earth is going on here?!?!?" exclaimed a horrified Mrs Greasy.

"Hmmm, something smells nice!" said Mick. "Fish and chips!"

"Welcome to Mike and Wayne's Antique Emporium and Cafe!" proclaimed Mike. "If you would care to take a seat, the waiter will be with you shortly. Would you like to browse the menu?"

"I can't believe what I'm seeing!!" exclaimed Mrs G.

"No, it really is a menu," said Mike.

"I can't believe it either!" said Des. "There's actually people in here!"

For the first time ever, a few ordinary members of the public had actually turned up - to sample some of the nosh on offer, of course, not to buy a dodgy antique.

"'Allo you lot, it's yer ol' mate Wayne 'ere!" said Wayne the waiter. "Whaddya wanna eat?!"

"This all looks revolting!" said Mrs Greasy, staring at the menu. "Who's cooking?!"

"It's me old mum, Connie the Crazee Cook!" said Mike.

"This is an outrage!" said Mrs Greasy. "How dare you do this to me! You are destroying my livelihood!!"

"What livelihood?" said Des. "Could I have a meat pie please, Wayne?"

"Would you like an antique as well?" asked Mike.

"Um, no thanks," said Des.

"Botherations," said Mike.

"The woodworm's already had most of those antiques for lunch!" said Mick.

"Hold on a minute, Mike!" said Mrs G, having had a sudden flash of inspiration. "Have you got a food licence?!?"

"Yes!" said Mike, pulling out a food licence from his pocket.

"Oh..." said Mrs G, slightly confused as food licences don't actually exist.

"You can't stop us, Mrs Greasy!" said Mike, grinning.

"This gives me an idea..." said Des.

The next morning things weren't going quite as well at Mike and Wayne's Antique Emporium and Cafe.

"I can't understand this," said Mike to Wayne. "Yesterday we were doing really well yesterday with our cafe, but today it's really quiet!!"

"I know why!" said Wayne. "Follow me!"

They went next door to Des's shop, which had now been renamed Tony Blackburn's Jumper Emporium and Cafe. As soon as Mike and Wayne went inside, the smell of fish and chips hit them. The dodgy jumpers that Des was trying desperately to sell had been moved to the side, and chairs and tables had been laid out in the centre. The place was packed with people - including Mrs Greasy. Not surprisingly, she was fuming.

"I'm sorry Mrs G, you can't stop me, I've got my food licence!" Des was saying.

Mrs Greasy may not have been able to stop them - but someone else could...

Later that day the usual gang were attending their usual meeting round at Mrs G's cafe.

"This is getting beyond a joke you lot!" complained Mrs G. "Next thing I know Harry Harper will be setting up a cafe in his hardware shop!!"

"Oh I hope not, he might steal my business," said Des.

"You're doing surprisingly well today, Des!" said Mick.

"I know, people can't get enough of my cousin Kevin's cooking!" said Des.

"You haven't sold many jumpers though, have you?" said Mick.

"It's just a matter of time," said Des. "I ought to make people wear them while they're eating! The advantage of those jumpers is that you can spill food on them and it'll actually improve the patterns! Now could we hurry up with this meeting please, I need to get back as soon as I can!"

Just then an official looking man in a suit walked in.

"Good morning sir, please take a seat," said Mrs G. "Would you like to browse the menu?"

"No thank you," said the man. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Colin Spent, and I am from the council highways and byways department. I am here to inform you that a road widening scheme is shortly to commence, and as such your cafe and the other shops in this block will be demolished."

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?" gasped Mrs Greasy in abject horror. "You can't demolish my cafe!!!!"

"Or our antiques shop and cafe!!!" gasped Mike and Wayne.

"Or my jumper shop and cafe!!" gasped Des.

"I'm sorry, but this block is derelict!" said Mr Spent. "It's been on the condemned list for years!"

"Derelict?!?!?" exclaimed Mrs Greasy. "What a cheek!! I've spent literally pounds doing this place up! What about my livelihood?!"

"Don't worry madam, we will be able to rehouse you in the local area," said Mr Spent.

"Why can't they widen the other side of the road?!" said Des.

"That scheme was unanimously turned down as it would have necessitated the demolition of the betting shop," said Mr Spent. "So this side it is to be!"

"I hope you realise we're not going to take this lying down!" said Mrs Greasy. "We're going to fight to the bitter end!!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," said Des. "Under normal circumstances, news of the demolition of this cafe would be fantastic news! But now, if this place comes down, so does my jumper shop! And I haven't sold all the jumpers yet! In fact, I haven't sold any! So I'm afraid to say, Mrs Greasy, I'm right behind you!"

"And so are we!!" said Mike and Wayne.

"Great to have your support!" said Mrs Greasy. "Now who wants some bread pudding?"

Suddenly everyone scarpered.

Over the following days, the gang did all they could to save their shops. They protested outside the town hall, and went to various public meetings which were being held. But all to no avail.

Then after two weeks, when all seemed lost, Mrs Greasy received another visit from the man from the council, Mr Spent.

"I am delighted to be able to inform you that the environmental lobby has won out, and the road no longer needs to be widened. Your cafe does not need to be demolished."

"HOORAY!!!" exclaimed Mrs G.

"Instead the road is to be narrowed and speed bumps put all the way along it."

"Oh dear, I hope that won't affect my moped's handling," said Mrs Greasy.

"And not only that," said Mr Spent, "the council had agreed to spend the money saved by scrapping the scheme in assisting you to renovate your shop so it can be taken off the condemned list!"

"It's good news week!" exclaimed Mrs G. "Um, have you told the other occupiers of this block yet?"

"No, I'm just going round now," said Mr Spent.

"Tell you what, you're a busy man, you go on your way and I'll tell them," said Mrs Greasy.

"Well, if that's all right with you," said Mr Spent. "Goodbye then!"

As soon as he left Mrs Greasy went straight round to see Mike and Wayne at their antiques shop and cafe.

"I just saw that bloke from the council just come out of your cafe!!" said Mike. "What did he say, what did he say?!?"

"Calm down, calm down," said Mrs Greasy. "It's all right. The council have made a final decision."

"Well what is it, what is it?!?!"

"The bulldozer moves in tomorrow."

"OH NO!!!!!!" was Mike and Wayne's reaction.

Mrs G then went round to see Des in his jumper shop and cafe and told him the same thing.

"OH NO!!!!!!" was also Des's reaction.

"So I'm afraid there's no hope left," said Mrs Greasy. "We'll all have to close down today."

"You're going to give in just like that?!" said Des. "Well I'm not!! If the bulldozer's coming tomorrow, there's only one thing for it! We'll have to stage a sit down protest!"

"What's one of those?" said Mrs G, not necessarily the most intelligent member of the human race.

"It's where you protest sitting down!" said Des. "When the bulldozer arrives we'll all camp out in front of our shops! They won't be able to bulldoze with us in the way! We'll stay there until the council gives in!"

"Oh god," said Mrs Greasy. "I mean - oh good!" She turned to leave. "Just one other thing, Des - why is it so quiet in here when the other day it was full of customers?"

"Dunno, I'm sure it can't have anything to do with the fact that Harry's just set up a cafe in his hardware shop next door."

Mrs Greasy sighed as she left Des's shop. Her plan had backfired.

"Now where am I going to get a bulldozer from??" she said to herself.

The next morning Des and Mrs Greasy set themselves up with their sleeping bags and flasks, on their sit down protest in front of their shops. They were joined by Mike and Wayne, and Harry from the hardware shop.

"Got your sleeping bags everyone?" said Des. "We could be here some time! I've brought my tent for tonight!!"

"I do hope we don't have to sleep out here," sighed Mrs Greasy. "It's cold!!!"

"We could always put on some of those jumpers from my shop," said Des.

"I'm not that desperate," said Mrs Greasy.

It wasn't long before the bulldozer turned up. It stopped just in front of them.

"Ready you lot?" said Des. "One, two, three!"

"We will not be moved, we will not be moved!" sang the fivesome.

"Oh look at the time, I'm missing 'Pingu'!!" said Des, getting up.

"Oi Des, we will not be moved, remember!" said Mike.

"Oh yes, sorry I forgot," said Des.

So they sat and stared at the man on the bulldozer and the man on the bulldozer stared back at them.

"Hold on a minute," said Des after a while. "I recognise him! That's Bill the Builder!!"

"Oh botherations," mumbled Mrs Greasy.

"I can't believe the council have employed him to bulldoze this block!" said Des.

"Why is he wearing a comedy moustache, nose and glasses disguise?" said Mike.

"I don't know!!" exclaimed Mrs Greasy. "Why should I know?!?"

"All right, all right, keep your hair on!" said Des.

For the next six hours they continued to sit there, shivering in the increasingly cold and dark conditions.

"Oh I've had enough of this!" said Mike suddenly. "I'm not going to sit out here any longer! I don't see the point any more, I never liked antiques anyway! Wayne, come here - we need to talk."

Mike and Wayne conferred for a short while until they came to an agreement. Then Mike stood up and made an announcement.

"Myself, Mike, and my colleague, Wayne, have decided that Mike and Wayne's Antique Emporium and Cafe is to cease trading with immediate effect and will be replaced by two totally brand new ventures - Mike's Manic Motors and Wayne's Winda Cleanin' Company."

"And what happens to all the antiques?" said Des.

"Anybody want any?!" said Mike. "Come on Wayne, we'd better start clearing out the shop before it gets bulldozed!!" So they did.

"Lightweights," said Des. "No staying power!"

"Bingo!" said Mrs Greasy to herself. "One down, two to go."

Not long afterwards, Harry from the hardware shop decided it was also time to retire early.

"I'm sorry, I'm going to have to leave you people," he said. "I was going to retire next week anyway!"

As Harry left them Mrs Greasy rubbed her hands in glee.

"Just one left to go!" she said to herself quietly.

But Des wasn't going to give in so easily. Despite the fact that it was now completely dark, he was unrepentant.

"Can't we go inside now?" said Mrs G.

"No!" exclaimed Des. "I can guarantee you, the moment we move from this spot, Bill the Builder will move in with his bulldozer!"

"No he won't, he's asleep," said Mrs G.

"He could be bluffing," said Des. "Come on, get into your sleeping bag. I'll set our tent up."

Des and Mrs Greasy spent an uncomfortable night in their tent on the pavement. And the entirety of the next day saw them still sitting in the exact same place, having nothing to do but fend off various unwelcome visits from Mick, Mike, Wayne and, most unwelcome of all, Clive.

"This is better than going to the zoo!" said Clive, pointing at them. "Come and look at Des and Mrs Greasy camped outside in the street!! And best of all, it's free!"

"Oh shut up Clive," said Des.

And so it went on - day after day after day.

"Good grief Des, how much longer is this going to go on for?!" whinged Mrs Greasy on the fifth day of their sit down protest. "Think of all the business I'm losing because of this!!"

"We're staying here until the council gives in and saves our shops!" said Des. "Could be days...could be weeks...could be months...could be years..."

In the event it was one more day before Mrs Greasy finally cracked.

"That's it! I can't take this any more!!" she exclaimed suddenly.

Des was dumbfounded. "Mrs Greasy!! I don't believe it!! I thought you'd be the very last to go!!"

"Oh all right then, I'll come clean," she sighed. "This block isn't going to be demolished after all."

"What?!" gasped Des. "You mean we've spent all this time sitting out in the cold for nothing?!"

"I got Bill the Builder to come and pretend that he was about to knock this place down!" said Mrs Greasy. "It's all right Bill, you can go now!"

"Why didn't you tell us?!!" said Des.

"I wanted to wipe out the competition!" admitted Mrs Greasy. "And it worked - partially! I've managed to get Mike and Wayne's cafe, and Harry's cafe both closed down!"

"But I'm a much tougher nut to crack!" said Des.

"You're a nut, that's true," said Mrs G.

"I can't believe your audacity," said Des. "Well I'm not closing my jumper shop, I've still got all those jumpers to sell!!"

Mrs Greasy snarled.

"Oh all right, all right!" said Des. "I'll keep the shop open, but I'll close the cafe aspect."

So the next day normal service was resumed. Mrs Greasy was back attempting to sell dodgy food in her cafe, Mike was attempting to sell dodgy motors at his garage, and Des was attempting to sell dodgy jumpers in his shop. Meanwhile Mick and Clive were trying their best to dodge the lot of them.

"The one opportunity we had to finally get this place knocked down," moaned Clive once they had finally been dragged into the cafe, "and Des had to blow it, just to save his stupid jumper shop! And not only that, this road's got speed bumps all the way down it now, and that's bound to ruin my BMW's suspension!!"

"Still, look on the bright side," said Mick. "The cafe's going to be closed for two whole weeks while it's renovated!"

"Well actually," said Mrs Greasy suddenly, "I won't have to close the cafe after all! I've just struck a deal with Des, and I'm going to move into his jumper shop for the fortnight! So you'll still be able to enjoy your tasty meals!"

"And buy a stylish jumper at the same time!" said Des.

"AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!" exclaimed Mick and Clive.

Copyright © Robert Williams