by Robert Williams

Everyone is Tolworth knew about it. Advertisements were all over the local papers and all over the town. A new cafe was opening - directly opposite Mrs Greasy's cafe.

"What are you going to do?" asked Des.

"What do you mean, 'what am I going to do'?" said Mrs Greasy. "That place opposite will be no competition for me! Everyone knows I'm the best cook in the world!"

The varied assortment of people sniggered. Even without competition Mrs Greasy only managed an average of eight customers per day, and three of those were Wayne.

Two days later, it was the grand opening of Mrs Cookington's Corner Cafe. Thousands of people crowded round to watch Bruce Forsyth perform the opening ceremony. Virtually all of Tolworth was there, except for Mrs Greasy, Des, Mick and Ralph who were sitting in an otherwise empty Little Cafe.

"It's sad, isn't it," said Mrs Greasy, "that that Mrs Cookington can only attract people to her new cafe by inviting along a major celebrity to open it. Just you wait, there'll be no one in there tomorrow."

They listened to Brucie reeling off his catchphrases.

"Nice to see you, to see you..."

"NICE!!!!!"

"Good game, good game!"

He cut the ribbon and everyone cheered.

"Didn't I do well!!"

Bruce signed some autographs and then immediately disappeared off. So did half of the crowd.

"See, told you!" exclaimed Mrs Greasy.Just then, Wayne came rushing in, highly excited.

"I've got Terry Wogan's autograph!!!"

"Terry Wogan?" said Mick. "That was Bruce Forsyth out there!"

"Oh was it? I couldn't read 'is writing. I've got Brucie Forsyth's autograph!!!"

"Are you going to have something to eat now?" asked Mrs Greasy, hopefully.

"You bet!!" exclaimed Wayne, rushing out of the cafe and across the road to the new one. Mrs Greasy sighed.

That day Mrs Greasy had no customers. The next day she had half as many. The day after she had half as many again.

"This is very depressing," said Mrs G in a meeting that day. "Where have all my customers gone?"

"Across the road, of course!" exclaimed Clive.

"Yes, even you lot have started eating there now. You just come in here to hold your meetings."

Wayne came rushing in at this point.

"Hey, have you tried Mrs thingey's sticky buns??!! They're awesome!!"

"Really??!!" exclaimed Ralph, delighted. "I love sticky buns!!" He hurried out.

"I'm going to have to do something," sighed Mrs Greasy.

"Start cooking proper food?" suggested Des.

"Stop messing about, Des," said Mrs G. "Has anyone got any proper ideas?"

"How about," said Mick, "giving your cafe a new look? You know, jazz things up a bit! Buy some new tables and chairs! Paint the place!"

"What a good idea," said Mrs Greasy."And then advertise it!"

"Here's a good line," said Des. "Why go to a nice cafe with delicious food when you could come to the exciting new look Mrs Greasy's cafe?!"

"Like it!" exclaimed Mrs G.

"And what about 'At Mrs G's cafe she'll give yer loadsa nosh for not much dosh'!!" exclaimed Wayne.

"Catchy!" exclaimed Mrs G.

Since she had rather a lot of time on her hands, Mrs Greasy immediately planned out her new look cafe, and then popped over to the DIY store, bought some new tables, chairs and plenty of paint.No one was allowed in the cafe for the next week (not that anyone wanted to go in) until the new look was completed. Then everyone received leaflets through their door informing them that the cafe was once again open for business: 'COME TO MRS GREASY'S SUPER-DOOPER CAFE!! Why go to a nice cafe with delicious food when you could come to the exciting new look Mrs Greasy's cafe?! The place where you'll get loadsa dosh for not much nosh!!'

"Oh dear," said Des to Mick. "She's got the last bit slightly wrong. Now she's going to get people coming in expecting to be paid for eating her food!"

The gang turned up at the new-look cafe, and were confronted with a new flashing pink and yellow neon sign reading 'Mrs Greasy's Super-dooper Cafe'. They could no longer see inside, due to some pink blinds in the windows, so they were not prepared for the shock that they got when they walked inside.The inside was so bright everyone felt the need to put their sunglasses on. The walls were bright pink, the tables bright yellow, the chairs bright green. The floor now had a bright orange carpet and their were flashing multicoloured lights on the ceiling.

"Yo!!!" exclaimed a strange person, leaping from the kitchen.

"Is that you, Mrs Greasy?" said Mick."Yeah dudes, how d'you like the new look Super-dooper caf, eh?!!"

"What about the new look Mrs Greasy then?" said Des. She was dressed in a pink and green tracksuit, baseball cap, and wearing sunglasses with flashing lights across the top.

"It's all, er, very bright," commented Mick.

Clive was not so kind.

"Do you know anything about colour sense??!!" he exclaimed. "This is horrible! How is someone supposed to eat in here! It'll put people off their food!"

"But my main man Clive, it's happening, it's hip, it's the in-thing, dude!!"

"Ooooh arrrr!!!" exclaimed Farmer Files who had not said anything for a while. He could not see his pigs, because they had blended in with the pink walls.

"Sorry I'm late!!" exclaimed Wayne, rushing in. "Urrrrr!! Mega-yucko!! I'm goin' back to the other place!! Hang on, no I'm not!! It says 'ere you get loadsa dosh for not much nosh!! Does that mean yer'll pay me for eatin' yer grub then?!"

"Oh botherations, I've made a boo-boo," said Mrs Greasy. "I'll have to change the leaflets."

"You'll have to change the whole cafe if you're going to attract customers!" exclaimed Mick. "You need to be a little more restrained with your colour scheme!"

Des, Mick, Clive, Wayne and Ralph helped out on Mrs Greasy's second new look cafe in a week, and removed the pink blinds (mainly because Wayne said cleaning windows was no fun if you couldn't see inside) and flashing lights, and repainted the inside pastel colours, while converting Mrs Greasy back into the regular version.But one week later, the only customers that came in were those expecting to be paid for eating in there.

"Honestly, I've spent all this money..."

"Most of it was my money, actually," pointed out Des.

"...and I've still got no business. Everyone's expecting me to pay them!! That's all Wayne's fault!"

"Yup!!" exclaimed Wayne, pleased with himself. "All my fault!!"

"But I shall not give into Mrs Cookabura or whatever her name is! Any ideas?"

"Howzabout having a cabaret spot?!" exclaimed Des. "We could come in and sing songs and tell jokes and things!"

"Hmmm," said Mrs Greasy, not very convinced. "I suppose it's worth a try."

The first cabaret was arranged for the following morning, and Mrs Greasy paid a few people to come in and watch and have some food.

Wayne was telling some jokes for the first cabaret. He got up onto the floor and fired away.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" whispered Mrs Greasy to Des.

"I'm not so sure now," whispered Des to Mrs Greasy.

"Are we ready?!" exclaimed Wayne. "Okay then!! I was on me way to Mrs G's caf this morning (which serves really lovely grub, it says 'ere) where I walked in'o a man'ole! And d'you know what the man said??!! He said, 'Hole-y smoke'!!!!"

The audience was silent.

"Have we had the punchline yet?" whispered Mrs Greasy.

"Now I know this wasn't a good idea," said Des.

"Tell yer what!!" exclaimed today's comedian. "I was walkin' in the park (which is near Mrs G's super caf which has loadsa lovely nosh) the other day, and I bumped in'o a tree!! And then a copper comes along and arrests me!! And I say hey, Mr Copper, why are you arrestin' me?!! And 'e says tree-son's a crime!!!"

Most of the audience chose to walk out at this point.

"Hey!! I was in me garden the other day (Mrs G's gotta garden too, and she makes super grub) and I saw a sheep walk in me shed!! Then I waited, then it came out again, and it didn't 'ave any wool anymore!! So I said, gosh, it must have shed its wool!!!"

Wayne was not invited back. The next day, Des did some singing for the cabaret.

"Start spreading the news!!! I'm leaving today!!"

"I wish he was," mumbled Clive.

"I want to be a part of it!! New York!! New York!!!"

Several glasses broke, and the audience to leave.

"They're coming to take me away ha-haaaaa!!!" sang Des. "They're coming to take me away!!! They're coming to take me away ha-haaaaaaa!!!! They're coming to take me away!!!!" They did. Des was dragged out singing 'Please Release Me', and Mrs Greasy decided to scrap the idea of a cabaret.

"What about having special offers, special giveaways?!" suggested Ralph at the next meeting.

Signs started appearing in Mrs Greasy's window.

'Come in here instead of across the road and save 20 per cent!!'

'Special discounts if you eat more than £25 worth of food!!'

'50 per cent off if you come in here with five or more other people!!'

They did not work very well, so they became ever more desperate.

'Free raffle tickets if you come in and have some food!!'

'Get four times as much food as you pay for!!'

'Win a holiday if you step inside the door!!'

That got customers in. Mrs Greasy became overworked cooking four times as much food as people paid for , giving them free raffle tickets and giving them a chance of winning a holiday if they answered a simple question.

"The question is...who is the worst cook in the world?" asked Mrs Greasy.

"Mrs Cookington!!" answered a lucky contestant.

"YES!! YOU'VE WON A HOLIDAY!!" exclaimed Mrs Greasy.

"YIPPPEEEE!!!!" exclaimed the contestant. "Where to?"

"Errr...where to?" whispered Mrs Greasy to Des.

"Errr...I hadn't thought of that...say, er, erm, a holiday in, er, photographs..."

Mrs Greasy quickly fetched her Bognor holiday snaps.

"Well done!! You've won the holiday I went on last year!! Here are the photos!!"

The contestant's face dropped a mile. They stormed out without the photos.

"Oh good," said Mrs Greasy. "I wanted to keep those."

Everyone started to leave.

"Hold on!" exclaimed Mrs G. "We've still the raffle to do!"

Des held the box while Mrs Greasy picked out the winning ticket.

"And well done to number 29317714!!"

She had banked on roughly that number of people turning up.

Someone leapt up and eagerly hurried to claim their prize. They weren't quite so eager when they saw the prize. One hundred rock cakes cooked by Mrs Greasy.Now all the prizes had been won everyone hurried out and were soon crowding back into Mrs Cookington's cafe across the road.

"This is just no good," said Mrs Greasy, sadly.

"I have an idea!!" exclaimed Clive. He explained his idea to Mrs G, who was not particularly keen, but was willing to give anything a try.

One week later, Clive Kippers's Super-dooper Cafe (featuring Mrs Greasy) was up and running, with Clive doing the cooking and Mrs Greasy doing the waitressing.

"I don't like this," moaned Mrs Greasy.

"It's only temporary," said Clive. "Look at business!! Soon that Mrs Cookington will have to close down and move out, and that'll be your competition gone!"

And sure enough, within a week, all of Mrs Cookington's business had transferred back across the road and for the first time ever Mrs Greasy's cafe was completely full of customers. Mrs Cookington was forced to close down, and she moved away from the area.

"Thank goodness for that," said Mrs Greasy. "Now can I take over again?"

But Clive was enjoying himself so much he didn't want to let Mrs Greasy go back in charge. And neither did the customers, who were actually enjoying the food in there for the first time.

So Mrs Greasy resigned, moved across the road and set up a new rival cafe in Mrs Cookington's old premises, called Mrs Greasy's Little Cafe.

"Right then, any ideas how to get some customers in?" asked Mrs Greasy.

"Here we go again," sighed Des.

Copyright © Robert Williams