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DES AND MICK TRAVEL BACK IN TIME
by Daniel Sellars, based on characters created by Robert Williams
"Isn't 2007 boring?!" said Des one morning in the cafe.
"How do you mean?" asked Mick.
"I mean, I was expecting it to be full of robots and hi-tech technology and everything! Instead we live in a politically-correct country, run by numpties such as Tony Blair and Mike Reid!"
"Eh? Don't you mean John Reid?"
"No not him, he's a comedian and actor! Good lord Mick, you do need to know these things!"
Mick shook his head.
"Well what are you going to do about it? And a sensible idea would be nice, Des!" said Clive.
"What you talking about, sensible is my middle name!" said Des.
"Is it?! I never knew that!" said Wayne. "So who are you named after?"
"What?!" said Des.
"Who in your family is called Sensible? There must be someone!"
"Look, can we get back to the matter in hand, please!" interrupted Clive. "What are you going to do about it Des?"
"Well I don't know? Any suggestions?"
"You could learn to cook! Give you something to do! And I could be your teacher!" said Mrs Greasy.
"If I wanted to know how to cook, I'd get someone who knew how to cook to teach me!" said Des. "Next!"
"You could get down to the latest hits by Status Quo!" said Dickie the Vicar. "Help pass the time away!"
"I'm not that desperate," replied Des. "Next!"
"Yer could go and live with yer Aunty Phyllis and watch recordin's of 'Songs of Praise' 24 hours a day!" was Wayne's helpful suggestion.
"Please, god no!" said Des.
"You could learn to accept the finer things in life," suggested Mick.
"What finer things in life?!" exclaimed Des. "Anything, Clive?"
"You could go and live on the moon!"
"That's not a bad idea..." said Des. "Naah, the moon's made of cheese! Don't like it!"
"Well sorry, no can do Des!" said Clive. "Looks like you'll have to stay with the rest of us in 2007!"
"Oh darn!" said Des. "I miss the 1970s! All those wraparound haircuts, tank tops, flares and Angela Rippon!"
"Well you could start living in the 1970s!" said Mick. "Although, you already do live in the 1970s!"
"That's only because I miss that decade! The 1970s! The era of the great!"
"You could build a time machine!" said Wayne.
"A time machine?! Are you sure your brain exists, Wayne?" said Clive.
"Wayne, I wouldn't usually say this, but that's a fantastic idea!" said Des.
"Oh dear," said Mick.
"There is one advantage though. He could get lost between here and 1970!" said Clive.
"But it also means you'd have to pay double at my groovy discos!" said Dickie.
"Oh dear oh dear!" said Mick.
"And it means you'd get double helpings of my fantastic food every day!" said queen of cooks, Mrs Greasy.
"Oh dear oh dear oh dear!!" cried Mick.
"No don't worry Mick, you can come with me!" said Des.
"Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear!!!" cried Mick, who was in floods of tears.
"I'll get Mechanic Manic the Mike to start building it straight away! Come on Mick!"
Des and Mick arrived at Mike's garage, but discovered he wasn't there. In his place was a certain Doug Whitehouse.
"Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" asked Mick.
"Don't think so," said Doug.
"What's your name?" asked Mick.
"Doug Whitehouse. I've run a lot of things in my time."
"Well where's Mike?" asked Des, since he was searching for Mike, obviously.
"He's on holiday," replied Doug.
"Where?" asked Des.
"Skegness for three weeks. I'm here as his stand-in."
"Well, erm, do you know how to build a time machine?"
"Of course I do!" replied Doug. "Be back tomorrow, and you'll have one as good as new!"
Des and Mick left, feeling bemused by that last statement.
The next day, Des went to see if his new time machine was finished. It was, and it looked just like something Mike would do. It looked tacky, rushed and old-fashioned.
"I'll take £50,000 for it!" exclaimed Des.
"Are you sure?! Mike will be pleased! Except I won't be here when he returns, because I'm firing myself," said Doug.
"Oh, okay," said Des, just as he left, with his time machine.
"Are you sure this thing's safe?!" said a clearly worried Mick, when they got inside. "It just doesn't look stable enough to carry us thirty odd years back in the future!"
"Oh it's as safe as muck Mick! Don't panic!" said Des.
"And I didn't even want to come in the first place! You're always doing this Des, including me in your stupid ideas! If I die Des Wednesday, I'll kill you!"
"Look Mick, I don't know what you're getting so worked up about, you should be excited, going back to the era of the great!"
"The era of the great was before I met you!"
"Oh stop complaining! Right, are you ready?!"
"Erm let me think, NO!"
"Well a bit tough I'm afraid! Because now, we're going!!!"
They went back through the 2000s, the 1990s, 1980s, and finally reached the golden age (according to Des). They were now officially back in the 1970s.
"Isn't it amazing!" said an ecstatic Des.
"What that it only took 30 seconds to go back 30 years?!"
"No that we don't know any Mrs Greasys, Dickie the Vicars, Clive Kippers, Wayne Coachs or Farmer Files! Or any Mikes ripping me off left right and centre!"
"Yeah I suppose so!" said Mick. "But I've got this strange feeling it's not really 1976
"Of course it's 1976! And to prove it, I'm going to go into that old lady's house and switch the news on! If it's got the old 1970s titles, then its 1976! And if the prime minister's Shakin' Stevens, then it's definitely 1976!"
"Hmmm, if you say so," said Mick.
So they went over to the old lady's house. They knocked on the door, and the old lady answered it.
"Oh hello," said the old lady. "Can I help you?"
"Yes, we were just wondering if we could come into your house and look around?!" said Des. Mick rolled his eyes, embarrassed.
"Well I don't even know who you are! You could be anybody!"
"Considering this is 1976, she's very protective of herself!" said Mick.
"Shush! I'm Noel Edmonds, and this is my friend, Keith Chegwin!" said Des. "You can never give your real name," he whispered in Mick's ear, who rolled his eyes even further.
"Of course you can come in dears! I must say I'm sorry I missed your reunion show a few weeks ago, something along the lines of 'It Started with Swap Shop'!"
"No we were on this morning, remember! Keith was in Doncaster, and a child swapped his bedroom output for one of Keith's pencils!"
"Oh yes, my memory is slipping beyond belief!" said the old lady.
They went into the living room. Everything looked very 1970s, which made Des feel even more ecstatic.
"Erm, could you switch the news on please?" asked Des. "I just want to see the titles!"
"Of course dear," said the old lady. What Des and Mick didn't realise though was that the old lady was accidentally playing a very, very old tape.
"Oh I see we can go now then. Er, before we do, could you tell us who the prime minister is please?" asked Des.
"I'm not sure, but I think he has something to do with Lionel Blair."
Mick's suspicions were now confirmed. It certainly wasn't 1976.
"We can go now then. Ta-ra!" said Des.
"Oh silly billy, I'm sorry dears, but I was playing an old tape. I remember now, my late departed husband wanted to record 'Grandstand' one afternoon, and the news was recorded before that. Sorry for any mishaps!"
"Oh none at all! I'm sorry, but could you tell me what year it is?" asked Des.
"2007," was the reply.
"I knew it. I fully well knew it!" said Mick.
"Well why have you got 70s furniture?!" asked Des.
"Because I'm a very old-fashioned lady! Rather like your good self! Ha ha ha ha!"
"Well thank you anyway, bye!"
"Yes bye my dears!" said the old lady.
They left the house.
"I knew we hadn't gone back anywhere," said Mick.
"It was a nice thought though wasn't it. But listen to me now Mick, when I get my hands on that Doug beating Whitehouse, I'll make him wish it was still 1976!"
Copyright © Daniel Sellars 2007
This story is a visitor contribution - if you want to try your hand at writing for Des and Mick then please send your stories or ideas to me at the usual e-mail address and I will consider them for inclusion.
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