Local cafe owner, and now DMTV's very own Agony Aunt, Mrs Greasy, dips into her postbag
and lends a caring ear to your problems...

I'm depressed!
Dear Mrs G, I'm depressed. I've lost my job, my wife's left me, and my dog's died. What can I do?
Depressed of Preston

Mrs G replies: Get yourself down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe right away. A good plate of mashed potato is guaranteed to cheer you up! And bear this in mind: there's always someone worse off than you. Remember,
you don't have to live next door to Noel Edmonds!

I'm stingey!
Dear Mrs G, everybody says I'm stingey. This simply isn't true, I just hate spending money. Now where can I find a tasty selection of food for the lowest possible price?
Stingey of Staines

Mrs G replies: Get yourself down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe. You'll find a mouthwatering selection of yummy food at bargain prices! For example, you can try one of my meat pies for an outrageously low 2.50! But please remember, money isn't everything. Well, actually it is.

I think I'm married to Michael Caine
Dear Mrs G, I've been married to my husband for fifteen years, but recently he's started saying 'My name is Michael Caine. Not a lot of people know that' all the time. I never knew this before. Does this mean I'm married to Michael Caine? P.S. Last week when my Mini exploded he exclaimed, 'You're only supposed to blow the b***** doors off!!!'
Mrs Caine, Balham

Mrs G replies: You are indeed married to Michael Caine. Unless he's lying. Either way, I'd recommend you bring him down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe and I'll serve you both with a lovely plate of cod and chips, at a surprisingly reasonable price!

Dickie Davies
Dear Mrs G, whatever happened to World of Sport anchor Dickie Davies?
Reg Number, Carmarthen

Mrs G replies: Umm...he's currently sitting in my cafe tucking into a meat pie, so if you hurry down here right now you just might catch him! Honest!

They won't let me go home!
Dear Mrs G, last week I checked into this hotel on the Isle of Wight. However, I now wish to leave, but the hotel staff don't seem to want to let me go. I haven't even paid for my room yet! The food is lousy and the staff are grumpy, but security is excellent. What can I do? Please reply soon, I've got another bank job planned for Monday night.
Fingers McKenzie, Parkhurst

Mrs G replies: Pop down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe...oh no, of course you can't. Well anyway, when you do get out, I hope you enjoy your new job at the bank.

I hate my job
Dear Mrs G, my job really depresses me. I'd really love to give it up, but I need the money! What can I do?
Mick Woolley, Head of Comedy and Entertainment, DMTV

Mrs G replies: Simple - win the lottery, then you'll never need to work again! Hope I've been of some help.

I look like Jimmy Hill!
Dear Mrs G, when I woke up this morning I discovered that my chin had grown to approximately the same length as Jimmy Hill's! Please help me!
Jemima Puddleduck, Newbury

Mrs G replies: Have you thought about growing a little comedy beard on the end of it?

I love DMTV!
Dear Mrs G, I really enjoy DMTV! Is there any hope for me?
Very Sad Person, Lewisham

Mrs G replies: You're a lost cause. End it all.

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Copyright Robert Williams 2000-2003