|In case you missed it, Jeremiah Clarkton brings you up to speed (geddit?!?!?) with this week's edition of DMTV's crazee bonkers motoring magazine!|
Above: the Flop Gear team - Jeremiah Clarkton (played by Mike the Manic Mechanic) flanked by his minions, the excitable Dicky Gerbil (Des Wednesday) and the laid-back Jake Maynot (Mick Woolley)!
The crazee bonkers road test!
In this week's show I tested the exciting brand new 1979 Ford Capri 3000S! It came with a funky body kit, some MASSIVE spoilers, and all the essential extras, including furry dice of course!
Anyway, I couldn't wait to get behind the wheel of this smashing car! And blimey, when I did I was absolutely blown away! Well I wasn't really, but anyone standing nearby definitely would have been, because basically this car is FAST! Yes, this car can simply be described in just one word - FAST! The handling is superb, and performance is mind-blowing - you could say it's FAST! In fact, I was driving so FAST I nearly had an accident - but hey, I'm not Dicky Gerbil you know!
Now for all the boring bits! This car has excellent front and rear legroom, superb luggage capacity, and all the equipment you could possibly want, including rubber mats, and a radio with both long and medium waves!
We then asked our resident racing driver, Stig of the Dump, to take the Capri round our test track (the M25)! However he declined because he said he hasn't passed his driving test yet!
In conclusion then, this car is absolutely faultless - and FAST! So if you fancy this 1979 Ford Capri 3000S, just pop along now to Mike's Manic Motors where I'm sure we'll be able to sort out a tasty deal for you, how does £6500 sound... (Oi, no advertising! - Ed)
The crazee bonkers race!
For this week's race we were challenged to drive from Land's End to John O'Groats! I was given the latest Ferrari to complete the journey, while my underlings Dicky and Jake had to travel by milk float! This was in order that we could at last come up with a definitive answer to the age-old question, is it quicker to travel the length of Great Britain by supercar or milk float?!
Unfairly, in my opinion, milkmen for the day Dicky and Jake were given a head start! They started the race at 5.00 in the morning! This was because as well as taking part in our crazee bonkers race, they had to complete their milk round! But it wasn't long before I had raced away from that pair of numpties!
It didn't take me long to reach the Scottish border - and I promise I didn't break any speed limits (well, not many anyway)! By this time, Dicky and Jake had still only got as far as Penzance!
Well, in the end, I won the race! What a result! I had to wait a whole three weeks for Dicky and Jake to turn up in their milk float! Apparently, they had encountered a series of hilarious mishaps along the way! Well who'd have thought it! Anyway, this proves once and for all that if you're travelling from Land's End to John O'Groats, it's better to travel by Ferrari than it is by milk float! Now stick that in your pipe and smoke it! (As long as it's legal - not that we're bothered on Flop Gear!)
The crazee bonkers wall!
The crazee bonkers wall is where we determine which cars are crazee bonkers, and which aren't! And let me tell you, did we have some disagreements this week?! Dicky insisted that the Vauxhall Corsa was crazee bonkers, and I said it wasn't! But I said the Nissan Micra was crazee bonkers, but for some reason both Dicky and Jake and the entire audience disagreed! But I'm always right, so that's why it went onto the crazee bonkers wall!
The crazee bonkers cheap car challenge!
For this week's challenge, each of us were given just £1.50 to spend on a car! Blimey, I know times are hard, but this is ridiculous!
Anyway, I spent my £1.50 on a packet of Jaffa Cakes (which aren't biscuits you know!), so for the challenge I decided to steal Des Wednesday's ancient Fiat 126! Meanwhile Jake Maynot turned up in a 1982 Rolls Royce! Blimey, I thought, how did he afford that for just £1.50?! But he showed us the invoice, and it was all pukka and everything, so fair enoughski! Unfortunately all Dicky Gerbil was able to buy for the money was a Corgi model of a Mini Metro! But would you adam-and-eve it, he's so small, he still fitted inside!
Anyway, for the challenge we drove them round our test track (the M25), which I must say took rather a long time for Dicky in his mini-mini-mini-Mini Metro! In fact he even got arrested at one point, as apparently it's illegal to drive toy cars on the motorway! Who'd have thought it?!
After this we completely trashed the cars, and then we had to sell them! Well, I made 89p on Des's Fiat 126, which is a result since I didn't pay anything for it in the first place! Dicky sold his toy Mini Metro for 20p! And Jake sold his Rolls Royce for £2500! Grrr, how did he manage that, it makes me mad!
The crazee bonkers stunt!
Let's face it - we all hate caravans clogging up the roads! So that's why we decided to blow one up! However, we didn't do it on purpose, honest! Dicky Gerbil was just storing some petrol in there, as you do, but as it was a bit dark in there, he decided to light a match! And whaddya know, the whole thing went up in flames! It was all an accident, honest! Luckily Dicky managed to get out all right! (We did have the fire brigade and ambulance service on hand in case of such an unlikely event taking place!)
Anyway, the way things are going, with us around, soon there won't be any caravans left at all on the road! Happy days!
On next week's crazee bonkers show!
In our crazee bonkers cheap car challenge we'll each have to buy a Ferrari for just 25p! We'll be road testing the brand new 1974 Ford Cortina 2.0 Ghia! The crazee bonkers Dicky Gerbil will be driving a dragster at 3500mph on a public road! (Blimey, I hope he doesn't have an accident!) And our crazee bonkers race will see us racing from London to Monte Carlo! I'll be travelling by jumbo jet, while Dicky and Jake will be walking! Who will win? Find out next week! Oh yes, and we'll be blowing up a caravan! We're so crazee bonkers! So see you next Sunday at 8.30 on DMTV!!!
(Don't forget you can also watch endless repeats of classic Flop Gear episodes on our digital channel Ian! But please don't watch our competitor Channel Cool's pale imitation, Cool Gear, hosted by my former mates Tiffany Dell (yes he is a man!), Lady Victoria Hender-Butlerson (very posh!), and Crispin Wilton (watch his hair recede live on air!))
Copyright © Robert Williams 2008