Weekends Weekdays

SATURDAY

9.00am Dickie and Dom in da Church Hall
Dickie the Vicar presents wacky fun with his nephew Dominic, including a round of Bishop Bogies and an appearance by the Prize Verger

10.30 Saturday Kitsch-en
Anthony Wirral-Timpson hosts this rather poor quality copy of Saturday Kitchen

12.00 The Planet's Funniest Leaves
Rib-tickling clip show

12.30pm Blandstand
A tedious afternoon of local sports, including coverage of this year's slug race

5.00 DMTV News

5.10 You've Been Filmed!
The budget's already running out, so here's a cash-saving selection of side-splitting moments from Des's home videos, including that unforgettable time Mick fell off his chair

5.35 The Regeneration Game
Game show in which the remaining Doctor Whos compete in daft games, like redecorating the TARDIS, and driving a dalek round some cones

6.20 Des's House Party
Wacky fun and games from Des's pretend house in Wrinkly Town. Watch out for an appearance from Mr Blubby, and YOU could be the star of DTV. Plus, watch as Clive Kippers is caught out with a Getcha!

7.00 Robin Hoodie
Classic tales from Sherwood Forest updated to appeal to a modern youth audience

7.45 Pop Idiot
DMTV's search for a star for tomorrow - and you can vote for who stays in! In fact, don't bother, because all ten of our finalists have already signed record deals. Pop Idiot Extra follows immediately on our digital channel, EDMTVChoice2

8.30 The Zzz Factor
DMTV's search for a star for tomorrow - and you can vote for who stays in! In fact, don't bother, because all ten of our finalists have already signed record deals. The Zzz Factor Extra follows immediately on our digital channel, EDMTVChoice2

9.15 The Joy of Microwaves - Live
DMTV is proud to present a fun-packed live interactive entertainment show celebrating the phenomenon that has been sweeping the nation over the last couple of years - the microwave!

9.30 The Joy of Microwaves - Microwave Maniacs
A serious but at the same time highly amusing documentary exploring how microwaves have transformed our lives in the last couple of years

10.00 Pop Idiot - The Result!
Find out if anyone was sad enough to actually ring in

10.15 The Zzz Factor - The Result!
Find out if anyone was sad enough to actually ring in

10.30 DMTV News

10.45 Big Bore-ther
DMTV's mean-spirited 'reality' game show in which ten innocent members of the public are locked inside a house and forced to watch DMTV 24 hours a day for eight years. The winner is the last contestant to go insane. This week, find out if Nasty Neil will be evicted for increasing his colleagues' agony by changing channels to ITV

(And don't forget you can see all-day coverage of the Big Bore-ther house on EDMTVChoice2, on which YOU can watch people, um, watching DMTV. Err...so what's the point in that then?)

11.15 The Joy of Microwaves Late
A more adult-orientated look at microwaving

11.30 The Doonicans
DMTV's madcap reality series which follows the wacky life of Val Doonican and his zany family

12.00 DMTV News 25
The world's only 25-hour news channel

SUNDAY

9.00am Breakfast with Ice
A selection of frozen water for Sunday morning

10.00 Heaven Help Us
Religious magazine with Dickie the Vicar. This week, a discussion of this week's moral issues, a look at religion in today's society, and computer game reviews

11.00 Tony and Jean
A repeat of the zany 80s sitcom. This week, hilarity ensues as Tony's boss Sir Kenneth is unexpectedly coming round to dinner but Jean hasn't bought any frozen peas!

11.30 Country Files
Farmer Files with the latest farming issues, plus the weather forecast for pigs

12.00 Points of Moan
Des presents your complaints about DMTV (shortened edition this week)

2.30pm Match of the Week
Clive gets out his matchbox and chooses his favourite match this week

3.15 Space Trek - the Next Generation Game
Captain Forsyth goes boldly where no chin has been before

4.00 Professor What
Invasion of the Daft-leks Another chance to see an episode of DMTV's recently-revived, highly original sci-fi flop

4.50 DMTV News

5.10 Hymn and Hers
Dickie the Vicar selects his favourite hymns and Status Quo tracks

5.45 Last of the Autumn Cider
Gentle northern sitcom now in its 85th year, still with its original cast, and still with the same plot every week

6.15 Antique Road Show
Mick Scullery valuates some antique roads

7.00 Strictly Come Farming
Ooooh arrrrr!!! Farmer Files hosts the celebrity farming competition

7.45 Twenty-Eight Years, Three Months and Fifteen Days of the Two Micks
Highlights of that legendary comedy double act - Mick Woolley and Mike the Manic Mechanic (well, you can almost call them The Two Micks). Includes that sketch where Mike goes into a shop asking for broom handles, plus more ramblings from the comfy chair with Mick, where he relates to us some jokes the producer told him

8.30 Flop Gear
This week Jeremiah Clarkton, Dicky Gerbil and Jake Maynot blow up a caravan See website

9.15 Torturewood
Glasgow-based spin-off of DMTV's sci-fi hit Professor What, starring former Dead and Sleeping presenter John Wheelbarrow as Captain Jock. Note: contains adult themes (edited version on Friday)

10.00 DMTV News

10.15 Pride and Prejudice
Des is very proud about this big-budget costume drama, on which he has spent £24. Stars Clive as Mr D'Arcy and Mrs Greasy as Elizabeth Bennett

11.00 60
Cult US thriller, played out in real time over the course of one minute, in 60 episodes. The next episode follows immediately on EDMTVChoice2

11.00.01 The John Smith Collection
Some bloke called John Smith conducts a worldwide search to find five other people called John Smith. This week, John gets a tip off that there may be someone in London called John Smith...

11.30 Then Nelson Said To Me
First showing of this previously unseen DMTV sitcom about the Battle of Trafalgar, made in 1899 but kept under due to the outbreak of the Boer War. In this episode, Private Pitts, played by Mickey Howerd, mixes up Colonel Withering's paperwork, with hilarious consequences!

12.00 DMTV News 25

Click here for the weekday schedule

Copyright © Robert Williams 2000-2008