Weekends Weekdays

WEEKDAYS

9.25am DMTV-GMTV
DMTV's serious, but at the same time extremely light-hearted, breakfast show, for people who can't be bothered to get any earlier. Presenter Des Wednesday himself can't be bothered to get any earlier, and so presents the show from his kitchen table whilst eating his Rice Krispies

9.45 Killjoy
Clive Kippers-Silk, who has been spending too long on the sunbed, presents topical studio discussion

10.30 It's Agony!
Mrs Greasy with the problem line See website

11.00 Get a New House
Buying a new house? Our team of experts bring you helpful hints, including 'go to the estate agent'

11.30 Get a New Mouse
Buying a new mouse? Our team of experts bring you helpful hints, including 'go to the pet shop'

12.00 Get a New Spouse
Buying a new spouse? Our team of experts bring you helpful hints, including...ummm...

12.30pm Can't Cook, But Still Cooks
Hilarious game show, in which contestants try to teach host Mrs Greasy to cook

1.00 DMTV News

1.30 Tolworth Today

1.35 Roundabouts
An unwelcome return for this old soap set in the Roundabouts Motel, which previously ran from 1965-89 and no one liked first time round. In this week's episodes, odd job man Billy goes missing on a trip to the shed

2.00 The Gerry the Gerbil Show
Mrs Greasy's pet gerbil hosts this talk show where various pets get into ridiculous fights

2.35 Pages from Desfax

3.00 45 Minutes of People Opening Boxes
Des Tidybeard hosts what could possibly be the most extraordinary game yet

3.45 Children's DMTV
Wayne Coach presents a line-up of shows for kids, with help from Simon the Spoon. Programmes include Newssquare, Green Peter, Mick the Builder, Playminibus and Postwoman Pam

4.20 Strange Hill
DMTV's long running school drama, which has recently relocated without explanation from North London to the Mediterranean, because that's where the show's new producer is based, although we don't expect viewers to notice the change

4.45 The Weakest Quiz
The harsh Mrs Greasy presents the quiz show where no one wins anything, in fact she doesn't even ask the contestants any questions, instead she just insults them for 45 minutes

5.30 Brainboxes
More hapless challengers dare to pit their wits against our resident Brainboxes - Des, Wayne, Mrs Greasy and Farmer Files - and fail miserably yet again!

6.00 DMTV News

6.30 Tolworth Tonight
News of which cat got stuck up a tree today

7.00-12.00 See below

MONDAY

7.00 Glad You Weren't There
Des and Mick review some of their best holidays, including the time they went to Bognor, and the time they stayed at home

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street
Daily soap opera, including all the action from the local pub, the Vauxhall's Return

8.00 Who Wants to Win a Pound?
The first of three visits this week to the nail-biting quiz in which members of the public stand to win up to £1

9.00 FILM: There's a Giant Gerbil Loose in Caterham
Des Wednesday and Mick Woolley feature in an all-star cast in this dramatic thriller. (Director Des Wednesday, 1992). Continues after the news

10.00 DMTV News at Ten
Getting in the way of the film

10.30 FILM: There's a Giant Gerbil Loose in Caterham
You waited all the way through the news for the second part, and then you decide it wasn't really worth watching after all

11.00 Des's Great Impressions
Des does his superb impressions of Jimmy Savile, Prince Charles and Margaret Thatcher

11.30 I'm Alan Titchmarsh
Sitcom about a former gardening presenter who now presents a late night show on Radio Melton Mowbray and upsets everyone he meets

12.00 DMTV News 25

TUESDAY

7.00 Farmerversity Challenge
A team of farmers versus a team of cretins are rudely asked to hurry up by host Farmer Paxman in the long-running agricultural quiz

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street

8.00 Ruin Your Life
Your life too perfect? Don't panic, our team of experts promise to have your life completely ruined in just six weeks!

8.30 Walking with Worms
Another chance to see this ground-breaking documentary

9.00 The Plod
Hard-hitting, realistic drama at the police station. This week, someone nicks the bell off PC Plod's bicycle

10.00 DMTV News at Ten

10.30 Inspector Coarse
The foul-mouthed detective solves another mystery in Cambridge

11.30 Movie 07
Snappily named film review programme, broadcast as late as possible

12.00 DMTV News 25

WEDNESDAY

7.00 This is Your Wife
Mick Aspel surprises well-known celebrities by introducing them to their spouse at the most unexpected moments!

7.30 Only Dipsticks and Zebras
To fill the gap left by Bore-a-nation Street, the fifty-ninth chance to see this episode of DMTV's most popular sitcom which has been shown so many times the colour is fading, but we still show it as it guarantees a big audience

8.00 Who Wants to Win a Pound?
More tension, as Des asks the contestants if they're sure, and would they like to ask the audience (what audience?!)

9.00 The Boy With Two Hands
Shocking documentary concerning a boy who was born with two hands

9.30 Bore-a-nation Street
A later start time tonight, as Des has just realised it normally clashes with Coronation Street. (Unfortunately, ITV are showing a football match tonight, so it still clashes)

10.00 DMTV News at Ten

10.30 Crimewatch Tolworth
This week, a dramatic reconstruction of a serious incident in which someone nicks the bell off PC Plod's bicycle

11.00 Big Bore-ther
More boredom from the Big Bore-ther house. This time, ex-bishop Andy plays a tune on his double bass in order to block out the sound of Killjoy

11.30 Des and Mick Unplanned
Des and Mick haven't actually thought of anything to put in this slot, so they'd better come up with something quick!

12.00 DMTV News 25

THURSDAY

7.00 Joke Box Jury
The panel determine whether the latest gags are funny or not

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street

8.00 Who Wants to Win a Pound?
Another gap in the schedule, so another hour of tedium to fill it

9.00 The Laughing Gnome
Exciting new police drama in which modern day DI Stan Taylor is involved in an accident with a toaster and gets transported back to the year 1967 where he has to come to terms with some very unusual policing methods...

10.00 DMTV News at Ten
Let us remind viewers DMTV was the first television channel to have its main news at 10.00, it having started back in 1867, and has been broadcast at that time every single weekday ever since, except for that time in 1973 when the tiddlywinks championships overran because someone lost the red tiddlywink

10.30 Query Time
Des Dimbleby hosts topical political discussion. This week's discussion points: the state of the Euro, and which way does the panel hang their loo paper?

11.15 The Farmer Files
Scary sci-fi drama as Farmer Files investigates supernatural occurances at his farm. This week, aliens abduct all the pigs

12.00 DMTV News 25

FRIDAY

7.00 Torturewood
A family-orientated repeat of this week's episode of the sci-fi drama, with all the rude bits edited out

7.01 Flop of the Pops
Dave Presley hosts a run-down of Tolworth's Top 20 See website

7.30 Bore-a-nation Street

8.00 Changing Houses
Two neighbours redecorate each others' houses

8.30 Changing Minds
What happened when the participants in Changing Houses wish they hadn't taken part

9.00 Greenhouses from Hell
Ordinary people relate their stories of how their greenhouse ruined their lives. This series has in no way anything to do with The Road Surfacing Channel's recent smash hit, Britain's Worst Greenhouses

9.30 The Offy
Documentary-style sitcom, set in an off-licence

10.00 Big Bore-ther
Only another 7 years 51 weeks left for the housemates. This time, Liverpudlian Greg signs an record deal even though he's never sung before

10.30 DMTV News at Ten-ish
A later start tonight for no apparent reason

11.00 Much Too Late with Dave Presley
Live music show, including performances from local bands including Turnip Structure, Finger, Ultimate Greenhouse Worship Mode, and the Jimmy Jones Combo

12.00 DMTV News 25

Click here for the weekend schedule

Copyright © Robert Williams 2000-2008