There now follows a Party Political Web Page on behalf of The Big Purple Penguin Party.

Fed up with the present day political landscape? Are you tired of the lacklustre Labour Party? The cruddy Conservatory Party? The dreary Diberal Lemocrats? Thank goodness you are, because it's time for an exciting new force in British Politics!

The Big Purple Penguin Party has been formed mainly for a laugh, but also to fight for a better Britain! This Party Political Web Page will tell you why you should vote Big Purple Penguin at the next election. Remember, there's less than five years to go, so you'd better make your mind up quick!


Policies

The Big Purple Penguin Party is the party of truth and honesty - we openly admit we have no policies! (Well, apart from these ones, but they're not very good...)

Taxation
All present forms of taxation will be abolished. Hooray!! Instead, a brand new taxation system will be introduced, where everyone pays what they want! Now you can't say fairer than that! But hey, I hear you cry, surely everyone will just pay the bare minimum each! Indeed - and then when the country goes to the dogs, the Great British Public will have no one to blame but themselves! As an incentive to pay more tax, the person who pays the most tax each year will win a cuddly toy!

War
Whenever there's a war, we'll just send our Defence Secretary Dave Lee Travis to the aggressor and get him to shout "YOU ARE A DEAD MAN!!!" at them, like he did to Noel Edmonds when he got his Gotcha on Noel's House Party.

Europe
Don't worry, The Big Purple Penguin Party are committed to pulling out of the European Union! Hooray!! Not only that, we'll be filling in the Channel Tunnel with some of Mrs Greasy's buns.

Money
Have no fear, we won't be turning Britain over to some tacky European currency! In fact, The Big Purple Penguin Party are committed to going in completely the other direction and reintroducing pre-decimal currency! Laugh at the under-40s as they struggle with farthings, groats, shillings, florins, crowns, Nobles and guineas. Oh yes, don't you worry, we're bringing back the lot!

Crime
The Big Purple Penguin Party promise not only to be tough on crime, but also to be tough on the causes of crime. Bet no one's ever thought of that before!

Education
From now on, all children between the ages of five and sixteen will be made to go to school! That'll teach them!

Languages
The learning of foreign languages will be banned. After all, everyone else speaks English, so what's the point? Brits can then spend the time saved watching cartoons.

Broadcasting
If you vote Big Purple Penguin at the next election, we positively guarantee that we will abolish DMTV! That'll please a few people on the Digital Sky forum!


Now here's a sneak preview of who'll be making those big decisions when you vote The Big Purple Penguin Party into Government at the next election!

THE SHADOW CABINET 


LeaderMe!
Lord ChancellorLord Forsyth
Chancellor of the ExchequerCarol Vorderman
Chief Secretary to the TreasuryBruno Brookes
Leader of the House of CommonsRonnie Corbett
Leader of the House of LordsLord Wogan
Lord President of the CouncilLord Dimbleby
Lord Privy SealLord Paxman
Parliamentary Secretary to the TreasuryJim Bowen
Chief Whip of the House of CommonsAndi Peters
Minister for the Cabinet OfficeDes O'Connor
Chancellor of the Duchy of LancasterDusty Bin


Secretaries of State
Home DepartmentKeith Chegwin
Foreign and Commonwealth AffairsDame Edna Everage
Business, Innovation and SkillsDel Boy Trotter
Children, Schools and FamiliesBasil Brush
Communities and Local GovernmentNoel Edmonds
Culture, Media and SportMr Blobby
DefenceDave Lee Travis
Energy and Climate ChangeDavid Bellamy
Environment, Food and Rural AffairsBill Oddie
FunTimmy Mallett
HealthGordon Brittas
International DevelopmentPaul Daniels
JusticeJudge John Deed
Northern IrelandGloria Hunniford
ScotlandLord Connery
TransportThe Stig
WalesIvor the Engine
Women and EqualitiesPeter Stringfellow
Work and PensionsRodney Trotter




MINISTERS OF STATE


Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
Employment Relations and Postal AffairsPostman Pat
Trade, Investment and Consumer AffairsArthur Daley
Communications, Technology and BroadcastingUlrika Jonsson
Economic Competitiveness and Small BusinessLord Branson
Higher Education & Intellectual PropertyChris Moyles
Science & InnovationWizbit
Skills & ApprenticeshipsLionel Blair


Department for Children, Schools and Families
Children, Young People and FamiliesJimmy Krankie
Schools and LearnersIan Krankie


Department for Communities and Local Government
HousingBob the Builder
Local GovernmentRussell Brand
Community Cohesion and Fire and Rescue ServiceBarney McGrew


Department for Culture, Media & Sport
CultureDick and Dom
EurovisionGraham Norton
TelevisionAnt and Dec
RadioSmashie and Nicey
MusicSir Cliff Richard
OlympicsDes Lynam
SportJimmy Hill
Language and LiteratureDanny Baker


Ministry of Defence
Armed ForcesHyacinth Bucket
Defence Equipment & SupportJockey Wilson
International Defence and SecuritySir Roger Moore
VeteransCorporal Jones


Department for Energy and Climate Change
EnergyShakin' Stevens
Climate ChangeJames May


Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Farming and the EnvironmentFarmer Barleymow
Natural and Marine Environment, Wildlife
& Rural Affairs
Michaela Strachan
WeatherMichael Fish
GardeningAlan Titchmarsh
PrairieGordon the Gopher


Equalities Office
Women and EqualityRussell Brand


Foreign & Commonwealth Office
Foreign OfficePaddington Bear
Africa, Asia and the UNNelson Mandela
EuropeJean-Michel Jarre
Outer SpaceProf Brian Cox


Department of Fun
ChristmasLord Father Christmas
Funny WalksJohn Cleese
Jokes and ComedyKen Dodd
CoolThe Fonz
SinisterDracula
TimeTrigger
UbiquityJohn Barrowman
NostalgiaStuart Maconie


Department of Health
Care ServicesHelen Brittas
Health ServicesColin Wetherby
Public HealthJamie Oliver
FitnessMr Motivator
CookeryAinsley Harriott


Home Office
Borders and ImmigrationClifford the Big Red Dog
Crime and PolicingPC Plod
IdentityThe Invisible Man
Security and Counter-terrorismAndi Peters
LondonChas and Dave
South East EnglandTony Blackburn
South West EnglandJudi Spiers
East of EnglandAlan Partridge
West of EnglandStephen Merchant
MidlandsOzzy Osbourne
North West EnglandLiam Gallagher
North East EnglandGazza


Department for International Development
International DevelopmentDebbie McGee


Ministry of Justice
JusticeJamie Theakston


Northern Ireland Office
Northern IrelandPatrick Kielty


Scotland Office
ScotlandCarol Smillie


Department for Transport
Roads and TrafficNigel Mansell
TrainsJeremy Clarkson
AviationMike Smith


Treasury
TreasurySylvester McCoy


Wales Office
WalesJones the Steam


Department for Work and Pensions
PensionsMick Jagger
WelfarePete Doherty

So there you have it. Make sure you vote Big Purple Penguin at the next election. Please. Please. Oh go on. Pleeeeease...


That was a Party Political Web Page on behalf of The Big Purple Penguin Party. Please note that DMTV does not endorse or support The Big Purple Penguin Party in any way.