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Character Guide

Story Index





DMTV Online

Des Wednesday

Mick Woolley

Wayne Coach

Clive Kippers

Mrs Greasy

Mike the Manic Mechanic

Dickie the Vicar

Farmer Files

Phyllis Wednesday

Dave Presley


Here is a selection of the best stories from the last decade of The Chronicles of Des and Mick. Stories are in roughly reverse chronological order.

Des and Mick 24

Written in 2004

Des, Mick and Clive decide to stay awake 24 hours a day for as long as possible. Why? For charity of course! But Des and Clive are more concerned about beating each other...

Disco Avoidance

Written in 2005

Des has had quite enough of being subjected to Dickie the Vicar's dreary fund-raising discos every single night. So following the lead of Mick and Clive, who already have cast iron excuses, Des takes drastic action - by getting himself a job!

Des Plays Santa

Written in 2004

Internet shopping has almost completely killed off business at the shopping centre in the run-up to Christmas - and having Farmer Files play Santa in the grotto isn't helping matters. But luckily, both Des and Mike the Manic Mechanic have their own solutions to these problems...

Friday 13th

Written in 2004

Des is having an unlucky morning - but Mick doesn't believe in all that superstitous nonsense, especially when their luck begins to turn - or does it?

Des's Ice Cream Van

Written in 2004

On the hottest day of the year, Des decides to get his own ice cream van. All he needs is a van, some ice cream, and some chimes...

Des and Mick Become Removal Men

Written in 2005

Dickie the Vicar's leaving! However he can't afford a proper removals company, and so Des and Mick get lumbered with moving Dickie's possessions hundreds of miles to the other end of the country...

Des Buys a New Shed

Written in 2004

At long last Des has decided to get rid of that old wreck at the bottom of his garden and buy a brand new shed. Only problem is, how to get it home from the garden centre. Mike the Manic Mechanic believes he has the perfect solution.

Des and Mick's Aqua-Cars

Written in 2004

Des comes up the perfect solution to congestion on the roads - so he gets Mike the Manic Mechanic to build him a car that transforms into a boat! Thing is, Farmer Files has had the same idea. There's only one way to decide who's king of the aqua-cars...

Mrs Greasy Makes an Advert

Written in 2003

Mrs Greasy decided that the best way to increase custom at her cafe is to make a television advert. Des and Mick are employed as the production team - but will Mrs Greasy be impressed by the result?

Disco Wars

Written in 2003

Mrs Greasy and Dickie the Vicar find themselves running rival discos, and both are after the hottest DJ in town - who happens to be none other than Des. He soon finds himself embroiled in a bizarre bidding war between the two parties, but then events take an unexpected turn...

Des is Honoured

Written in 2004

At long last Des has received an OBE from the Queen. Clive is so disgusted he plans to return his, while Wayne and Mike are also disgusted - what happened to their honours?

Mrs Greasy's Gym

Written in 2004

Mrs Greasy has finally figured out why her cafe is not terribly successful. So in order to turn around her business, she decides to open a gym. You don't follow? Neither do Des and Mick.

Wayne and Mike's Old Record Emporium

Written in 2004

Mike the Manic Mechanic's finances are in the red, so he goes into partnership with Wayne to open an old record shop. But they rather wish they hadn't when Big Barry Bigworth comes round looking for an obscure album...

FrankenDes's Monsters

Written in 2004

Des decides to hold a special song and dance extravangza for Christmas. Trouble is, everyone else is unavailable to take part - but that doesn't deter Des, who creates monstrous stand-ins for them...


Written in 2003

Farmer Files is selling his dodgy computers to everyone, whether they want one or not, giving them all direct access to the Porkernet - and to everyone's horror, a direct link to Mrs Greasy's cafe!

Des Goes Deep Sea Diving But Not That Deep

Written in 2003

Des accidentally drops a rare Donny Osmond single in the River Thames. He's determined to get it back, and will go to whatever lengths needed to retrieve it.

White Christmas

Written in 2003

Des is desperate for a white Christmas, and everyone is desperate to get out of eating Mrs Greasy's Christmas dinner. So Des comes up with a scheme that will fulfil both those requirements.


Written in 2003

Having become more environmentally aware, the gang decide to go on holiday on the train instead of driving. But as soon as they find out Farmer Files is running the rail company, they know this will become a train journey they’ll never forget!

Des and Mick's School Bus

Written in 2003

Des decides to start running a school bus service in order to help clear the roads near the local school of morning rush hour traffic. Surely nothing can go wrong this time - can it?

Mrs Greasy's Stand-In

Written in 2003

Mrs Greasy's away for a few days, so her sister, Ms Greasy, comes to run the cafe. The others don't bank on her being such a hard taskmasker, and so they cook up a scheme to get rid of her...

Des - The Fastest Milkman in the West

Written in 2002

Des has bought a milk float, but the trouble is, it's too slow. So, with the help of Mike the Manic Mechanic, he transforms it into the fastest milk float in the west. Only problem is - someone else has got an even faster milk float...

The Panda That Wouldn't Go Away

Written in 2002

Des wins a giant panda in a raffle that he doesn't want. But getting rid of it turns out to be a lot harder than he thought.

Des and Mick Become Funeral Directors

Written in 2003

Des's latest mode of transport is a hearse. But when Dickie the Vicar finds Wayne lying around in the back of it, things take a distinctly morbid turn.

Des and Mick Celebrate Shrove Tuesday

Written in 2003

To celebrate Shrove Tuesday the gang decides to hold a pancake tossing contest in the local park. Des is determined to win, and will go to any length to ensure that he does...

Des and Mick Celebrate The Golden Jubilee

Written in 2002

The gang want to hold a street party to mark HM The Queen's 50 years on the throne - but how do they get out of having Mrs Greasy cooking the food for it? Des and Mick think they have the perfect plan, but Clive has other ideas.

Des and Mick Sell Hot Cakes

Written in 2002

Wayne's short on cash - so he goes into business with Des and Mick. But what are they going to sell? Something that's going to sell like hot cakes...

The Fancy Dress Party

Written in 2002

It's the 134th anniversary of the first traffic light - so Clive's friend Don is holding a fancy dress party to celebrate. But why did he have to choose cops and robbers as the theme?

Des and Mick Become Lollipop Ladies

Written in 2002

Mrs Greasy's latest scheme to increase custom at her cafe is to cajole Des, Mick and Clive into becoming lollipop men, in order to guide the local school children into the cafe. Sounds simple on paper - but it certainly isn't in practice...

Where's Des's Car?

Written in 2002

After selling his Fiat 126 on what turned out not to be the last day of the world, Des would now rather like it back. But the quest to find it takes him and Mick further afield than expected.

The End of the World

Written in 2002

The end of the world is nigh! Having been thwarted in his plan to save the world from a catastrophic asteroid hit, Des instead decides to hold a party and spend the final day doing all those stupid things he never dared do before.

Des and Mick Celebrate St George's Day

Written in 2001

But how did Des know it was St George's Day? Where is he getting a dragon and suit of armour from? Why are they celebrating it a day late? And can they perform their re-enactment of the story without running into PC Plod?

Des and Mick Go on Holiday

Written in 2001

Bad news - Des is organising the holiday this year. But the rest of the gang are actually impressed when they find out the holiday cottage in the country Des has booked is more like a mansion. Or is it?

Passport to Des's House

Written in 2001

Des declares his house to be an independent breakaway state - the Kingdom of Desonia. The others are forced to obtain passports in order to gain entry, but Clive isn't allowed one. But where's Mick?

Des and Mick's All-day Bingo

Written in 2001

No more of Dickie the Vicar's boring charity discos! His two records have worn out, so he's forced into hiring out the church hall to raise money to buy some new ones. Des and Mick win the leasehold - but what made them want to hold all-day bingo?

The Birthday Bear

Written in 2000

Des and Mick are shopping in town when Mike the Manic Mechanic lumbers them with a huge stuffed bear which he intends to give to Mrs Greasy for her birthday. He asks them to drop it round his garage, but that's only the start of their problems...

The Celebrity Bus

Written in 2000

Des has decided to buy himself a double decker bus - which soon takes on a brand new identity as a bus that only carries celebrities, so that Des can charge them more.

Christmas at Des's House

Written in 2000

Christmas round Des's house could be fun - but Mrs Greasy does her best to spoil it by cooking them Christmas dinner, and Dickie does his best to spoil it by inviting them to a special Christmas disco.

Mrs Greasy - the Best Cook in Britain?!

Written in 2000

A disaster is about to hit the UK - Mrs Greasy has entered a competition to find the country's best cook. She's set to win by default - because she's the only entrant! The others have to find a way to avert this catastrophe.

The Des Wednesday Fan Club

Written in 2000

Des is surprised to learn that a couple of lunatics have set up a fan club for him, and he is invited to speak at their next convention. But this fan worship quickly becomes a dangerous obsession...


Written in 2000

Des has just remembered it's the year 2000 - so why hasn't he got his own personal robot yet? To rectify the situation, he commissions Mike the Manic Mechanic to build him his very own household friend - RoboDes!

The Millennium Party

Written in 1999

It's December 1999, and the 20th century is almost over. So Des decides it would be a good idea to hold a special party to celebrate. But is it actually the end of the millennium yet? Clive thinks otherwise.

Des and Mick Go Caravanning

Written in 1999

Des buys a caravan, and so the obvious thing to do is go on a caravanning holiday in Wales. It seemed like a good idea at the time, if only they had any idea for what to do on a caravanning holiday, and if the caravan was in a fit state to last the journey.

Des and Mick Go Birdwatching

Written in 1999

A rare bird has been sighted in Des and Mick's area, and there is a cash reward for the first genuine photograph. This is the catalyst for one of Clive's practical jokes...

The Docu-soap

Written in 1999

After watching wall-to-wall docu-soaps on television, Des decides to make one about their own community. So get ready for some heart-rending real life drama in Des's kitchen, Mike's Manic Motor's and Mrs Greasy's cafe...


Written in 1999

Making a docu-soap evidently isn't enough for Des - now he wants to launch his own entire channel! Despite the lack of enthusiasm from the others, Des constructs an entire schedule of highly original and innovative shows for them all to present. Plus you can visit DMTV Online!

Wayne and Clive Join the Club

Written in 1999

Clive has finally got his application to join the golf club accepted. But Wayne is also intent on joining the Hackney-based club, and starts talking in his own brand of rhyming slang. Just what kind of golf club is this?

Des's Comet

Written in 1999

Des spots a brand new comet in the sky. Mick informs him that comets get named after their discoverer - which means Des is determined to claim the comet as his own.

Elvis is a Dangerous Man

Written in 1998

A large character in a jumpsuit and shades is featured on 'Crimewatch' after committing the heinous crime of stealing two Mars Bars and a packet of marshmallows from a local sweet shop. The problem the police face is, why do so many people living in the area seem to look like Elvis?

Clive's Brother Comes to Visit

Written in 1998

Clive's hated brother, Eugene, is visiting the area, and he is everything Clive isn't - kind, complimentary and generous. He's also a highly successful businessman. Clive is obviously fed up being upstaged like this, but this is nothing when he discovers the real reason for his brother's visit.

Des Receives a Valentines Card

Written in 1997

Surely no one would be mad enough to send Des a Valentine card? Not even Des can believe it, and so he goes on a mission to search out the culprit, which, along the way, also helps Des O'Connor get his own nightly show on Channel 5...

The Car Boot Sale

Written in 1997

Des is having a major clearout, but instead of throwing away his worthless old rubbish, he decides to hold a car boot sale instead. The others join in as well, including Ralph who is foolishly trying to sell Aunty Phyllis's priceless painting...

Des and Mick at Easter

Written in 1997

Wayne joins forces with Mrs Greasy in a seasonal money-making venture in which chocolate eggs are to be distributed by the Easter bunny, played by Des, at an Easter Egg hunt for the children. Trouble is, Des, Mick, Wayne and Mike would rather have the eggs for themselves!

Des and Mick Attempt to Run the London Marathon

Written in 1997

Clive, in an attempt to get his own back on Des and the others, has entered them into the London Marathon. However Des's intervention means that this is no ordinary marathon - most of the runners are heading up the M1 and so Des actually wins...

Des and Mick Go Banger Racing

Written in 1997

Mike the Manic Mechanic decides it would be a good idea to have a banger race, into which all the gang enter their old bangers. Clive, however, is unwilling to enter his BMW 735i, but that doesn't matter, as he has other ideas - he enters a tank, with the intent of destroying the other characters' cars...

The Canal Boat

Written in 1996

In another irrational moment, Des has bought a canal boat. He has it sitting in the garage, but Mick suggests taking onto the water. Not a good idea, considering the poor condition of the boat. Unsurprisingly, no one remains dry.

The Statue

Written in 1996

Aunty Phyllis asks her husband Ralph and Des to clean her priceless statue of Leonardo da Wednesday . They enlist the others to help them, with the result that the statue soon ends up in little pieces all over the garden. Phyllis will be back from shopping soon - and so it falls to Clive to stand in for the statue...

The Football Match

Written in 1996

The crew form a football team, called the Tolworth Dipsticks, to enter into a local league. The trouble is, none of them know how to play. The half-time result of their first match is 57-0. There looks like no hope for the Dipsticks in the second half, until Des reveals his secret weapon.

Des Goes on a Diet

Written in 1996

Mick decides that Des is not eating healthily enough, and so he is presented with a diet plan. But Mick isn't really concerned with Des's health - in fact Clive and Mick's strange behaviour leaves poor Des completely bewildered.

Des's Christmas Carol

Written in 1996

Des is feeling particularly Scrooge-like, and is not interested in Christmas this year. But when he falls asleep on the night before Christmas he dreams he is Deseneezer Scrooge - and the dream changes his mind forever about the festive season.

Des and Mick's European Tour

Written in 1995

The gang go on a trip round Europe to look for the Common Market so they can pick up some cheap veg.

Chocolate Biscuit Man

Written in 1995

Des and the gang are dressing up as superheroes to patrol the local streets, fight crime and put wrong to right, all wearing their underpants over their trousers. Mick tries his best to have nothing to do with them, but then even he requires their assistance...

Competition for Mrs Greasy

Written in 1994

Mrs Greasy is distraught - a rival cafe has opened opposite and stolen what custom she ever used to have. Various schemes are tried to win back customers, but there's only thing that will work.

Des and Mick Go to the Seaside

Written in 1994

It's the hottest day of the year, so it's time for a trip to the seaside. But Des unwisely chooses the M25 route and they get stuck in the biggest jam ever...

Around the UK with Des and Mick

Written in 1991

How it all began - the first ever Des and Mick story from 1991, when the dynamic duo make a record-breaking attempt to travel round the UK in just eighty days...