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Introduction  Character Guide  Story Index

DES WEDNESDAY (Volumes 1- )

Des is the undoubted star of 'The Chronicles of Des and Mick'. Without him, the other residents of Oakleigh Avenue in Tolworth, Surrey, would probably be living an untroubled, care-free existence.

But with Des in your life, there is never a dull moment. He is prone to coming up with daft ideas that never have a hope of going right. Des means well, but he is perhaps a little naive.

Brought up by his Aunty Phyllis, Des has not worked since he was eighteen, being a millionnaire. He was attending dustman training school when his Great Uncle Big Tim Cheese Wednesday died in a freak collision with a fridge and inherited a huge sum of money. However, he rarely spends it, and is happy to live in an ordinary house in suburbia.

Des is stuck in the 1970s. He still wears his tank tops and flares with pride, and won't get rid of his wraparound haircut and sideburns. He loves chocolate biscuits, is extremely rich, and drives a Fiat 126. Des has also worked his way through various additional vehicles, from a Transit van to a 1962 Routemaster bus, a milk float and a horse box.

Musically, Des favours Abba, Kajagoogoo and A Tribe of Toffs.

Date/place of Birth: 12 November 1949, Mitcham, Surrey
Occupation: millionnaire/lunatic
Married: never
Car: Fiat 126 (78S)
Favourite programme: The Tweenies
Favourite celebrity: Bob Carolgees
Favourite pop group: Chicory Tipp
Favourite product: chocolate biscuits
Favourite saying: "I've got a brilliant idea!"





MICK WOOLLEY (Volumes 1- )

Mick is the unfortunate person who ended up living next door to Des. He is the voice of sanity in this crazy world; well compared to the others.

He is keen to live an ordinary existence, but Des manages to interfere with every aspect of Mick's life. Like it or not, Mick always manages to get dragged into Des's schemes, despite usually offering warning signals. In these cases Des accuses Mick of being boring.

Des and Mick first met at primary school in the 1950s. Mick later worked for an insurance company before resigning in 1992 after an incident with a desk and a window cleaner.

It would be unfair to call Mick boring, but he is certainly the most sensible person in the street, and is conservative with a small 'c' in his tastes.

Date/place of Birth: 19 September 1950, Tooting Graveney, Surrey
Occupation: Des's next door neighbour, not much else
Married: Nora Jones, 30 July 1981. Divorced in February 1992
Car: none
Favourite programme: Newsnight
Favourite celebrity: AJP Taylor
Favourite pop group: The Beatles
Favourite product: The Daily Telegraph
Favourite saying: "That's a ridiculous idea, I'm having nothing to do with it!"


WAYNE COACH (Volumes 1- )

Wayne is the local idiot, whose main purpose is to make Des look clever. A real expert in the field of window cleaning, he knows nothing about anything else, and is as naive and gullible as they come. Wayne will believe anything you tell him.

He is the only person to look up to Des, and is always the first to give support to him in his schemes, however hair-brained, particularly when they involve making money.

Romford-born Wayne, whose first words were actually "Need yer windas cleaned, guv?!", is into hardcore rave, ambient dance and various other types of music the others have never heard of.

Date/place of Birth: 1 April 1965, Romford, Essex
Occupation: window cleaner
Married: no
Car: Ford Escort van (75P)
Favourite programme: ?The Little and Large Show?
Favourite celebrity: Edd the Duck
Favourite pop group: MC Dangerous Dan and the Electric Earwig
Favourite product: buckets
Favourite saying: "Allo, it's yer ol' mate Wayne 'ere!"


CLIVE KIPPERS (Volumes 1- )

Clive is the local smarmy know-all. He hates Des, and Des hates him. He is always the first to pour scorn on Des's ideas, but just like Mick, always gets mixed up in his schemes in the end. Traditionally, it is Clive who comes out on top, but more recent stories have shown that Clive cannot always be right.

Clive has the shiniest hair in the area, due to the mountains of hair gel that he puts on. He loves 70s disco music, particularly the Bee Gees, and takes any opportunity to do a bit of jiving in his John Travolta suit. He drives a 2004 BMW 735i, and seems to be rather well-off despite apparently not having a regular job (the source of Clive's income is some mystery to the others).

Date/place of Birth: 1 July 1954, Guildford, Surrey
Occupation: we're not quite sure
Married: we don't think so
Car: BMW 735i (04/04)
Favourite programme: University Challenge
Favourite celebrity: himself
Favourite pop group: Bee Gees
Favourite product: hair gel
Favourite saying: anything smarmy


MRS GREASY (Volumes 2- )

Mrs Greasy - whose first name is not known by the others - runs Mrs Greasy's Little Cafe just round the corner from Des and Mick's houses. She is the worst cook in the world, but is completely oblivious to this fact and cannot understand why she never has any customers.

Only the regular gang ever turn up to her cafe, not to eat, but to hold their meetings, although Mrs G does not waste the opportunity to serve them some revolting food.

She married Mr Greasy in 1964 after she told him she could cook. He believed her - the fool! In the years after they moved to Ipswich, Taunton, Oxford, Hull, Birmingham, Shrewsbury, Nottingham and Plymouth, as word of Mrs Greasy's astounding cookery skills spread. She lost Mr Greasy somewhere along the way (she cannot remember exactly where).

Mrs Greasy is the number one fan of the Village People.

Date/place of Birth: 22 May 1943, Burnley, Lancashire
Occupation: cafe proprieter
Married: Mr Greasy, 11 April 1964
Car: moped (00X)
Favourite programme: Can?t Cook Won?t Cook
Favourite celebrity: Ainsley Harriott
Favourite pop group: Village People
Favourite product: her own cooking
Favourite saying: ?Lunchtime!?

Visit Mrs Greasy's agony column on DMTV Online


MIKE THE MANIC MECHANIC (Volumes 9, 11- )

Michael Medford, commonly known as Mike the Manic Mechanic, runs the local independent garage, Mike's Manic Motors. A car fanatic, he is first and foremost a mechanic, and made his first appearance when he turned Des's Fiat 126 into a supersonic car. He is also involved with the used car market, selling mainly dubious twenty year-old Ford Capris.

Something of a lunatic (so he fits in well with the local residents) he is often involved with Des's schemes. He is generally a decent fellow, but does not miss an opportunity to con his customers. Mike also dabbles with music, and sometimes plays in a rock band with his mates.

He drives a tasteless green Ford Cortina, with personalised reg plate MAN1C, complete with pink furry dice, six-tone musical horn, coat hanger aerial and twelve-speaker stereo system.

Date/place of Birth: 12 December 1964, Catford, London
Occupation: mechanic
Married: no
Cars: Ford Cortina Ghia (78T)
Favourite programme: Top Gear
Favourite celebrity: Jeremy Clarkson
Favourite pop group: Mike and the Mechanics X
Favourite product: spark plugs
Favourite saying: "How do you fancy this tasty 1978 Ford Capri with only 42,000 totally genuine miles on the clock..."


DICKIE THE VICAR (Volumes 11- )

The Rev Richard Rogers, otherwise known as Dickie the Vicar, is the vicar at St Malcolm's Church. His aim is to update the image of the church and tries in vain to attract younger people to his services, by wearing a baseball cap and saying things like 'fab' and 'groovy'. He is always happy to allow Des and Mick to borrow the church hall for whatever they want.

Dickie also takes his church out to his congregation by use of his 'churchmobile', in fact a converted Montego with a built-in retractable spire on the roof. He is also permanently trying to raise funds to fix the church roof, mainly by holding discos at which he plays Matt Munro and Frankie Vaughan.

He is pictured here with Mike the Manic Mechanic, giving Des's car a service.

Date/place of Birth: 25 December 1935, Balham, Surrey
Occupation: vicar
Married: Marjorie Rogers (aka Mrs Dickie), 19 January 1963
Cars: Austin Montego estate with a spire sticking out the top [the 'Churchmobile'] (85B)
Favourite programme: The Generation Game
Favourite celebrity: Jim Davidson
Favourite pop group: Status Quo
Favourite product: Playstation
Favourite saying: ?Hey you groovers, just to let you know I?m running a disco at the church hall at 7.30 tonight??


FARMER FILES (Volumes 1- )

Farmer Files - whose first name is also known only by himself - was the local pig farmer, who begins every sentence with the immortal phrase "Ooooh arrrrrr!!!", and speaks with a thick West Country accent.

But Files has now decided that he is too old for the farming game, and so, in a shock move, he sold his farm and became an entrepreneur, launching a whole range of products and ventures under the PIG brand. So watch out for PIG FM, PIG breweries, PIGrail, PIG Motors, PIG leisure wear, PIG cosmetics... Yes, Farmer Files is the next Richard Branson. Well, they've both got beards anyway...

Date/place of Birth: date unknown, somewhere in Dorset
Occupation: former pig farmer, now entrepreuner
Married: unknown
Car: Land Rover (69J)
Favourite programme: Country Files
Favourite celebrity: Richard Branson
Favourite pop group: The Wurzels
Favourite product: anything produced by the PIG empire
Favourite saying: ?Oooooh arrrrrr!!!?


PHYLLIS WEDNESDAY (Volumes 1, 2, 7-10, 12-15, 17)

Phyllis is Des's busy-body aunt, who brought him up until he was sixteen. Phyllis demands absolute perfection - all males must wear a tie, haircuts must be symmetrical, grass must be the same height throughout the garden, and her house spotless.

She met trainspotter Ralph Berkshire (pictured) in 1994, and having finally found a man subservient enough to do all the housework and carry her shopping, they were soon married.

This lasted until Ralph attempted to sell Phyllis's priceless painting, a family heirloom. Phyllis threw him out of the house and the two divorced in 1997. It has since been down to Des to carry her shopping.

Date/place of Birth: 1 April 1927, Mitcham, Surrey
Occupation: retired
Married: Kenneth Wednesday, July 1948; Ralph Berkshire,
June 1994, divorced June 1997
Car: none
Favourite programme
: Songs of Praise
Favourite celebrity: none
Favourite pop group: Shostakovich
Favourite saying: "Desmond! Where is your tie?"


DAVE PRESLEY (Volumes 1, 11-17)

Dave was the local Elvis look-a-like, and worships the man. Dave lives the life of Presley - he talks just like the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and is never seen without his Elvis jumpsuit, shades and quiff. He is constantly to be seen munching on hamburgers, which he transports in his guitar case. Dave is horizontally challenged, to say the least, and shows not the slightest bit of talent in the music department.

Dave previously worked in a fish and chip shop and as a window cleaner. He left The Chronicles of Des and Mick in 2000 to start a new music career, miming to old Elvis songs, in the Caribbean.

Date/place of Birth: 8 August 1955, Scunthorpe, Lincolnshire
Occupation: Elvis impersonator
Married: Nora Jones (Mick's ex-wife), March 1993. Divorced in 1996.
Car: Austin Metro (82X)
Favourite programme
: TOTP2
Favourite celebrity: Elvis Presley
Favourite pop group: Elvis Presley
Favourite product: hamburgers
Favourite saying: any Elvis song title

Introduction  Character Guide  Story Index