This is an archived version of Des and Mick Online which shows how the website looked in September 2008. Most of the links do not work.
Click here to view the current version of this page. Click here to hide this banner.

DES WEDNESDAY (Volumes 1- )

Des is the undoubted star of 'The Chronicles of Des and Mick'. Without him, the other residents of Oakleigh Avenue in Tolworth, Surrey, would probably be living an untroubled, care-free existence.

But with Des in your life, there is never a dull moment. He is prone to coming up with daft ideas that never have a hope of going right. Des means well, but he is perhaps a little naive.

Brought up by his Aunty Phyllis, Des has not worked since he was eighteen, being a millionnaire. He was attending dustman training school when his Great Uncle Big Tim Cheese Wednesday died in a freak collision with a fridge and inherited a huge sum of money. However, he rarely spends any of it, and is happy to live in an ordinary house in suburbia.

Des is stuck in the 1970s. He still wears his tank tops and flares with pride, and won't get rid of his wraparound haircut and sideburns. He loves chocolate biscuits, is extremely rich, and still drives his beloved Fiat 126 (below). Des has also worked his way through various additional vehicles, from a Transit van to a Routemaster bus, a milk float and a horse box.

Musically, Des favours Abba, Kajagoogoo and A Tribe of Toffs.

Date/place of birth: 12 November 1949, Mitcham, Surrey
Occupation: millionnaire/lunatic
Married: never
Car: Fiat 126 (78S)
Favourite programme: The Tweenies
Favourite celebrity: Bob Carolgees
Favourite pop group: Chicory Tipp
Favourite product: chocolate biscuits
Favourite saying: "I've got a brilliant idea!"

Key stories: Around the UK with Des and Mick, Des Receives a Valentines Card, Des Sings for Eurovision, Des Turns 50, The Des Wednesday Fan Club, Christmas at Des's House, Passport to Des's House, Des's Family Tree, The Panda That Wouldn't Go Away, Where's Des's Car?, Des is Honoured, Des's Visitor, Des's Agent, Des Buys the Millennium Dome, Dustman Des and the Lost Womble

Visit Des's page on MySpace

MICK WOOLLEY (Volumes 1- )

Mick is the unfortunate person who ended up living next door to Des. He is the voice of sanity in this crazy world; well compared to the others.

He is keen to live an ordinary existence, but Des manages to interfere with every aspect of Mick's life. Like it or not, Mick always manages to get dragged into Des's schemes, despite usually offering warning signals. In these cases Des accuses Mick of being boring.

Des and Mick first met at primary school in the 1950s. Mick later worked for an insurance company before resigning in 1992 after an incident with a desk and a window cleaner.

It would be unfair to call Mick boring, but he is certainly the most sensible person in the street, and is conservative with a small 'c' in his tastes.

Date/place of birth: 19 September 1950, Tooting Graveney, Surrey
Occupation: Des's next door neighbour, not much else
Married: Nora Jones, 30 July 1981. Divorced in February 1992
Car: none
Favourite programme: Newsnight
Favourite celebrity: AJP Taylor
Favourite pop group: The Beatles
Favourite product: The Daily Telegraph
Favourite saying: "That's a ridiculous idea, I'm having nothing to do with it!"

Key stories: Around the UK with Des and Mick, Mick's Surprise Birthday Party, Des Goes on a Diet, Des and Mick Babysit, Des and Mick's Countryside Tours, The Des and Mick Years, The Mouse and Trousers

Visit Mick's page on MySpace

MRS GREASY (Volumes 2- )

Mrs Greasy - whose first name is not known by the others - runs the cafe just round the corner from Des and Mick's houses. She is the worst cook in the world, but is completely oblivious to this fact and cannot understand why she never has any customers.

Only the regular gang ever turn up to her cafe, not to eat, but to hold their meetings, although Mrs G does not waste the opportunity to serve them some revolting food.

She married Mr Greasy in 1964 after she told him she could cook. He believed her - the fool! In the years after they moved to Ipswich, Taunton, Oxford, Hull, Birmingham, Shrewsbury, Nottingham and Plymouth, as word of Mrs Greasy's astounding cookery skills spread. She lost Mr Greasy somewhere along the way (she cannot remember exactly where).

Mrs Greasy is the number one fan of the Village People.

Date/place of birth: 22 May 1943, Burnley, Lancashire
Occupation: cafe proprieter
Married: Mr Greasy, 11 April 1964
Car: moped (00X)
Favourite programme: Can't Cook Won't Cook
Favourite celebrity: Ainsley Harriott
Favourite pop group: Village People
Favourite product: her own cooking
Favourite saying: "Lunchtime!"

Key stories: Competition for Mrs Greasy, Mrs Greasy - the Best Cook in Britain?!, Des and Mick Become Lollipop Ladies, Disco Wars, Under Threat, Mrs Greasy Makes an Advert, Mrs Greasy's Gym, Friday 13th, Takeover!, Greasy TV, Mrs Greasy Goes Alfresco, Meals on Wheels

Visit Mrs Greasy's agony column on DMTV Online

Visit Mrs Greasy's page on MySpace

CLIVE KIPPERS (Volumes 1- )

Clive is the local smarmy know-all. He hates Des, and Des hates him. He is always the first to pour scorn on Des's ideas, but just like Mick, always gets mixed up in his schemes in the end. Traditionally, it is Clive who comes out on top, but more recent stories have shown that Clive cannot always be right.

Clive has the shiniest hair in the area, due to the mountains of hair gel that he puts on. He loves 70s disco music, particularly the Bee Gees, and takes any opportunity to do a bit of jiving in his John Travolta suit. He drives a 2005 BMW 730i, and seems to be rather well-off despite apparently not having a regular job (the source of Clive's income is some mystery to the others).

Date/place of birth: 1 July 1954, Guildford, Surrey
Occupation: we're not quite sure
Married: we don't think so
Car: BMW 730i (05/05)
Favourite programme: University Challenge
Favourite celebrity: himself
Favourite pop group: Bee Gees
Favourite product: hair gel
Favourite saying: anything smarmy

Key stories: Des and Mick Destroy It Themselves (With Help From Clive), The Statue, Des Goes on a Diet, Clive's Brother Comes to Visit, Wayne and Clive Join the Club, Des and Mick Celebrate The Golden Jubilee, Des and Clive - The Movie, Des and Mick 24, Whatever Happened to Clive?

Visit Clive's page on MySpace

WAYNE COACH (Volumes 1- )

Wayne is the local idiot, whose main purpose is to make Des look clever. A real expert in the field of window cleaning, he knows nothing about anything else, and is as naive and gullible as they come. Wayne will believe anything you tell him.

He is the only person to look up to Des, and is always the first to give support to him in his schemes, however hair-brained, particularly when they involve making money.

Romford-born Wayne, whose first words were actually "Need yer windas cleaned, guv?!", is into hardcore rave, ambient dance and various other types of music the others have never heard of.

Date/place of birth: 1 April 1965, Romford, Essex
Occupation: window cleaner
Married: no
Car: Ford Escort van (75P)
Favourite programme: The Little and Large Show
Favourite celebrity: Edd the Duck
Favourite pop group: MC Dangerous Dan and the Electric Earwig
Favourite product: buckets
Favourite saying: "Allo, it's yer ol' mate Wayne 'ere!"

Key stories: Wayne and Mike's Pop Group, Wayne and Clive Join the Club, Wayne is Cloned, Des and Mick Sell Hot Cakes, Mike and Wayne's Antique Emporium, Des is Honoured, Wayne and Mike's Old Record Emporium, Eldorado

Visit Wayne's jokes page on DMTV Online

Visit Wayne's page on MySpace


Michael Medford, commonly known as Mike the Manic Mechanic, runs the local independent garage, Mike's Manic Motors. A car fanatic, he is first and foremost a mechanic, and made his first appearance when he turned Des's Fiat 126 into a supersonic car. He is also involved with the used car market, selling mainly dubious twenty year-old Ford Capris.

Something of a lunatic (so he fits in well with the local residents) he is often involved with Des's schemes. He is generally a decent fellow, but does not miss an opportunity to con his customers. Mike also dabbles with music, and plays in a rock band called Mike and the Mechanics X (they had been forced to amend their name owing to confusion with another band with the same name).

He drives a tasteless green Ford Cortina, with personalised reg plate MAN1C, complete with pink furry dice, six-tone musical horn, coat hanger aerial and twelve-speaker stereo system.

Date/place of birth: 12 December 1964, Catford, London
Occupation: mechanic
Married: no
Cars: Ford Cortina Ghia (78T)
Favourite programme: Top Gear
Favourite celebrity: Jeremy Clarkson
Favourite pop group: Mike and the Mechanics X
Favourite product: spark plugs
Favourite saying: "How do you fancy this tasty 1978 Ford Capri with only 42,000 totally genuine miles on the clock..."

Key stories: Des's Supersonic Car, The Bizarre Bet, Wayne and Mike's Pop Group, Des and Mick Go Banger Racing, RoboDes, The Vintage Car Run, Des Becomes a Car Salesman, Des Buys a New Shed, Des Plays Santa, Takeover!, Helicopter Hilarity, Pirate TV, The Medford Maniac, Snarkbucket

Visit Mike the Manic Mechanic's page on MySpace

DICKIE THE VICAR (Volumes 11- )

The Rev Richard Rogers, otherwise known as Dickie the Vicar, is the vicar at St Malcolm's Church. His aim is to update the image of the church and tries in vain to attract younger people to his services, by wearing a baseball cap and saying things like 'fab' and 'groovy'. He is always happy to allow Des and Mick to borrow the church hall for whatever they want.

Dickie also takes his church out to his congregation by use of his 'churchmobile', in fact a converted Montego with a built-in retractable spire on the roof. He is also permanently trying to raise funds to fix the church roof, mainly by holding discos at which he normally plays wall-to-wall Status Quo.

He is pictured here with Mike the Manic Mechanic, giving Des's car a service.

Date/place of birth: 25 December 1935, Balham, Surrey
Occupation: vicar
Married: Marjorie Rogers (aka Mrs Dickie), 19 January 1963
Cars: Austin Montego estate with a spire sticking out the top [the 'Churchmobile'] (85B)
Favourite programme: The Generation Game
Favourite celebrity: Jim Davidson
Favourite pop group: Status Quo
Favourite product: Playstation
Favourite saying: "Hey you groovers, just to let you know I'm holding a disco at the church hall at 7.30 tonight..."

Key stories: The Fashion Show, The Singing Vicar, Des and Mick's All-day Bingo, Disco Wars, Des and Mick Become Funeral Directors, Disco Avoidance, Des and Mick Become Removal Men, Des and Mick Fix the Church Roof, Des Becomes a Careers Officer

Visit Dickie the Vicar's page on MySpace

FARMER FILES (Volumes 1- )

Farmer Files - whose first name is also known only by himself - is the local pig farmer, who begins every sentence with the immortal phrase "Ooooh arrrrrr!!!", and speaks with a thick West Country accent.

But in the year 2000 Files, in a shock move, sold his farm and became an entrepreneur, launching a whole range of products and ventures under the PIG brand, such as PIG FM, PIG breweries, PIGrail, PIG Motors, PIG leisure wear, PIG cosmetics... Yes, Farmer Files was the next Richard Branson. Well, they've both got beards anyway.

However the PIG empire was not to last, and finding himself down on his luck Files has returned to the farming way of life, and has been on the outlook for new ways to make a quick bob - such as turning his farmhouse into a hotel, and even running his own circus...

Date/place of birth: date unknown, somewhere in Dorset
Occupation: pig farmer
Married: unknown
Car: Land Rover (69J)
Favourite programme: Country Files
Favourite celebrity: Richard Branson
Favourite pop group: The Wurzels
Favourite product: anything produced by the PIG empire
Favourite saying: "Oooooh arrrrrr!!!"

Key stories: The Farmer Files, Files Builds an Extension, The Laughing Pig, Des and Mick's Summer Holiday, PIGWorld, PIGrail, PIGsoft, The Circus, Piggy Heights, PI6, Big Farmer

Visit Farmer Files's page on MySpace

PHYLLIS WEDNESDAY (Volumes 1, 2, 7-10, 12-15, 17, 20, 21)

Phyllis is Des's busy-body aunt, who brought him up until he was sixteen. Phyllis demands absolute perfection - all males must wear a tie, haircuts must be symmetrical, grass must be the same height throughout the garden, and her house spotless.

She met trainspotter Ralph Berkshire (pictured) in 1994, and having finally found a man subservient enough to do all the housework and carry her shopping, they were soon married.

This lasted until Ralph attempted to sell Phyllis's priceless painting, a family heirloom. Phyllis threw him out of the house and the two divorced in 1997. It has since been down to Des to carry her shopping.

Date/place of birth: 1 April 1927, Mitcham, Surrey
Occupation: retired
Married: Kenneth Wednesday, July 1948; Ralph Berkshire,
June 1994, divorced June 1997
Car: none
Favourite programme
: Songs of Praise
Favourite celebrity: none
Favourite pop group: Shostakovich
Favourite saying: "Desmond! Where is your tie?"

Key stories: Aunty Phyllis Wednesday Comes to Visit, Phyllis Moves In, Phyllis Gets Married, The Double Birthday Party, The Car Boot Sale, Goodbye to Ralph, Des and Mick Lose the Baby

DAVE PRESLEY (Volumes 1, 11-17)

Dave was the local Elvis look-a-like, and worships the man. Dave lives the life of Presley - he talks just like the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and is never seen without his Elvis jumpsuit, shades and quiff. He is constantly to be seen munching on hamburgers, which he transports in his guitar case. Dave is horizontally challenged, to say the least, and shows not the slightest bit of talent in the music department.

Dave previously worked in a fish and chip shop and as a window cleaner. He left The Chronicles of Des and Mick in 2000 to start a new music career, miming to old Elvis songs, in the Caribbean.

Date/place of birth: 8 August 1955, Scunthorpe, Lincolnshire
Occupation: Elvis impersonator
Married: Nora Jones (Mick's ex-wife), March 1993. Divorced in 1996.
Car: Austin Metro (82X)
Favourite programme
Favourite celebrity: Elvis Presley
Favourite pop group: Elvis Presley
Favourite product: hamburgers
Favourite saying: any Elvis song title

Key stories: Des and Mick's New Neighbour, The Bizarre Bet, Elvis is a Dangerous Man, Wayne is Cloned, Mrs Greasy's Lodger

Other significant characters

PC Plod (Volumes 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14, 16- ) The humourless PC Plod represents the long arm of the law in the world of Des and Mick
Mrs Dickie (Volumes 22, 24, 26) Dickie the Vicar's missus
Ralph Berkshire (Volumes 7-14) Aunty Phyllis's trainspotter husband
Sherlock Bones (Volumes 8, 12, 13, 15, 16, 20, 22, 24) The useless, non-ace detective, who comes free with Dr Whoson
Dr Whoson (Volumes 8, 12, 13, 15, 16, 20, 22, 24) The hyper-intelligent, and completely bald, assistant to Sherlock Bones
Doug Whitehouse (Volumes 1-10) Mick's one-time manager when he used to have a job
Dennis Switch (Volumes 1-4) The milkman in the early days of Des and Mick
Nicholas the Parson (Volumes 16, 26) Dickie the Vicar's austere boss
Uncle Barnacle (Volume 18) Des's lighthouse-owning uncle
Don Presley (Volume 19) Dave Presley's twin brother
Malcolm (Volumes 4-5) Des and Mick's boring, darts-obsessed neighbour
Colin Woolley (Volume 5) Mick's computer games-obsessed nephew
Carl the Crazy Carpenter (Volume 25) Local carpenter
Charlie Chan (Volume 25) Local Chinese takeaway owner
Mick the Manic Mechanic (Volume 26) Mike the Manic Mechanic's hopeless nephew
Fred Snarkbucket (Volume 27) The apparently multi-talented new arrival in town

    Random story - Des Goes Deep Sea Diving But Not That Deep