Clive Kippers

Election time again

So our esteemed Prime Minister Theresa May is go to the country three years early. I can't imagine who's going to win. Any thoughts? Sensible ones only, please, I know that rules you out, Des.

18 April 2017 5.36pm

Des Wednesday
I 'May' vote in the election, but then again, I 'May' not! Is the election taking place in 'May'?
Mike the Manic Mechanic
No, it's in June, actually. I think the fellow with the beard is in with a good chance!
Des Wednesday
I didn't know Farmer Files was standing!
Farmer Files
Ooooh arrrrr!!! No, I be sitting down at the moment!

EU referendum

I would like to think everybody voted sensibly, for once, in the in/out referendum today?

23 June 2016 8.48pm

Des Wednesday
Don't you worry, Clive, I did the most sensible thing possible. I used my voting slip to suggest a compromise. I said that we should be in the EU on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and out of it on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. But then I thought, what about Sundays? First of all, I thought we would have to have another referendum to decide whether we stay in or come out of the EU on Sundays. But then I thought that would be stupid, so I crossed that bit out, and decided it would be better if we stayed in on Sundays, but only if there's an 'A' in the month, except in a leap year. Then I thought about bank holidays and whether they should be treated the same as normal weekdays, but by then, I had run out of space to write on the voting slip, and also I noticed there was a massive queue behind me for some reason.

I hope they take up my suggestions.

Des Wednesday
By the way, what is the EU?


Don't you just love the British electoral system? A system where the fellow that comes third gets to pick the winner!

You couldn't make it up.

9 May 2010 2.15pm

Clive Kippers
That was worth waiting four months for.

Back from holiday in Mexico

Just got back from a couple of weeks holiday in Mexico, and what a fantastic time I had! Oh, excuse me one moment...sorry, I just sneezed all over the there a tissue handy...oh never mind... Anyway, I'll catch up with you lot later!

1 May 2009 1.57pm

Des Wednesday
Oh no!! Keep away from me Clive!!
Wayne Coach
yer keep away from me clive11
Mike the Manic Mechanic
I hope I don't catch this flu that's going round, apparently it turns you into a complete swine!!
Mrs Greasy
Don't you dare come anywhere near me, Clive Kippers!!! You're banned from the cafe until further notice!!!
Clive Kippers
Oh no, Mrs Greasy!! Anything but that!!!
Mike the Manic Mechanic
It's okay, if Clive gets swine flu we can just give him some oinkment.
Mrs Greasy
Mike, I don't think you're taking this very seriously! Thanks to Clive we're all going to die, and you're going round making silly jokes!!
Mike the Manic Mechanic
Oh Mrs Greasy, you're such a boar. Personally I'm feeling quite perky.
Clive Kippers
Tee-hee, you lot are so easy to wind up!!!

Comments on new Bond film?

I know I'm going to regret asking this...

3 November 2008 6.04pm

Mrs Greasy
I won't watch any Bond film that hasn't got Timothy Dalton in it.
Des Wednesday
I saw it this weekend, Sean Connery was excellent as always. It's a wonder what they can do with wigs and make-up these days, he looked so much younger than he did when we met him. Remember that?
Wayne Coach
i thort it was grate but i dident like the bit with the rabits
Clive Kippers
Yep, I'm regretting it.

Anyone wondering why MySpace has suddenly become so passé?

Well it's obvious! It instantly became unfashionable the moment you lot all joined up!!

Facebook is where all the cool people have gone now!

23 September 2007 1.58pm

Des Wednesday

What's a face book anyway?

Mike the Manic Mechanic
It's the same as MySpace, only more trendy.

Olympics logo

Good grief, have you seen the logo for the 2013 London Olympics? It looks like a small child designed it! In fact, it looks like Wayne designed it!

10 June 2007 3.55pm

Des Wednesday
It's true, he actually did!


I'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to Barry for not being able to e-mail those spreadsheets off to him today as I originally promised, but I've only just managed to grab my laptop back off local garage owner Michael, who styles himself 'Mike the Manic Mechanic' [raises eyes to ceiling] who's been hogging it for the last three days downloading multiple copies of his comedy band's new single off iTunes. I mean he's got his own computer, why can't he have used that! Just because he hasn't got iTunes on his PC because he hadn't heard of it before, and he can't be bothered to install it.

I suppose I should know better really, I shouldn't have opened my big mouth and explained to him about the concept of 'downloading MP3s' which the fellow wasn't even aware of! He says he's going to lose his record deal if his new single doesn't make the Top 200 on Sunday. He's with 'Bones and Whoson Records' which barely qualifies as a proper record company anyway!

Anyway, I've got to go, Mike is badgering me to get off my laptop. Honestly, he's going to get RSI if he carries on like this!

26 April 2007 5.41pm

Exhausted but jubliant

That's how I feel after running the entire North Downs Way for charity! Took me less than two weeks, and raised over £5,000 for the local children's hospital. I'll get the pics up on my website as soon as I can. But the best thing for me was getting away from the bunch of wazzocks that I have to put up every day, especially Des and Mick. I'd like to see those two get off their backsides and complete a 150 mile cross country run for charity. Des can't even walk down the end of his road without getting out of breath. Still, I've got another project coming up in a couple of weeks which will see me out of the area again for a while, which I'm looking forward to very much.

Just one other thing - Wayne, stop sending me friend requests, I don't want to be your friend!

25 April 2007 6.40pm

Wayne Coach
clive can i be your frend pleese
About me

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Clive Kippers, and I am a resident of the South West London suburb of Tolworth. I am unfortunate enough to find myself living in the same street as a bunch of dozy twonks, specifically Des Wednesday, Mick Woolley, Wayne Coach and Mrs Greasy, the latter who runs what she laughingly describes as a 'cafe'. What have I done to deserve this? Unfortunately I am compelled to put up with this situation as house prices in this street have resolutely refused to rise for as long as that lot have lived here, ruling out any notion of selling up for the foreseeable future. You should think yourselves lucky, you have neighbours that are ordinary people!


Bee Gees

Des Wednesday
Where is Clive these days anyway? Not that I'm bothered, but it's not fair that he got out of having to spend all week in the Big Farmer house like the rest of us!