Des Wednesday


Exciting news everyone! You know how people are always asking me what my All-Time Top Ten Records are? Well guess what? I've just set up my very own international website page!!! So now everyone in the world can see what they are! Click here to see it:

3 February 2019 12.03pm

Clive Kippers
At long last, Des, I've been on tenterhooks for years wondering your favourite songs are. Now where do I begin? A so-called 'All-Time Top Ten' that has actually got 13 songs in it. A song at (joint) number 5 that you say you hate (and doesn't even exist anyway). Oh, and you do know about the lead singer of 'The Culture Club' (sic), Boy George?
Des Wednesday
Yes, what about her?
Clive Kippers
Never mind.

Royal Wedding

Apparently Prince Harry is getting married to popular detective Miss Marple, which I suppose will be useful when it comes to investigating any skulduggery in the royal family, not that I'm suggesting that there's any skulduggery in the royal family, though isn't she a bit on the old side to be getting married, I mean she was old when I used to watch her on telly in the 80s, not that I'm suggesting that there's anything wrong with getting married when you're old.

1 May 2018 3.20pm

Mike the Manic Mechanic
Finished digging yourself a hole, Des?
Des Wednesday
No, why would I want to do that, I've got Clive's cat to do that for me. Anyway, my invitation arrived in the post today, I take it everyone else has got theirs as well?
Clive Kippers
YOU'VE been invited to the royal wedding???? What is the world coming to???
Mrs Greasy
How did you find your trip to the wedding then, Des?
Des Wednesday
Whoops, silly me, I forgot to go! What am I like?!?!?!
Clive Kippers
Good grief.


I've heard they've had some really bad luck at the Olympics this year, apparently it's snowed!!!!

10 February 2018 6.15pm

Mike the Manic Mechanic
Serves them right for holding it in the winter.

New Doctor Outrage!

I am shocked beyond belief about the new Doctor Who!

They have cast someone with a northern accent! How has this been allowed to happen?

16 July 2017 8.42pm

Clive Kippers
I take it you've forgotten about Christopher Eccleston?
Des Wednesday
Yes I have.


Time for some fake news. Today I had a really delicious plate of fish and chips at Mrs Greasy's cafe, and she charged me an incredibly reasonable price for it! Last night I had a really fun time at Dickie's disco, then I went home and enjoyed another hilarious edition of Newsnight! Now I'm going to go and listen to my Simply Red records, as I find their music so exhilarating!

24 March 2017 4.19pm

Dickie the Vicar
Great to hear it Des, see you again tonight!

Goodbye 2016!

What a terrible year 2016 has been, all those famous people that have died, then that dreadful Trump fellow won the in/out referendum, and worst of all, Mrs Greasy's cafe is still open! Roll on 1977!!

31 December 2016 3.28pm

Des Wednesday
Sorry, I meant 2007.

I've come up Trumps!

Great news, I've just voted for Trump in the election! I was a little confused, as I thought he'd run away with the circus. Or was that Nellie the Elephant? Or did they go together?

10 November 2016 2.50pm

Clive Kippers
I don't understand quite how you think you've managed to cast a vote in an election that took place in another country. But Trump won, even without your help, despite only receiving the second highest number of votes.
Mike the Manic Mechanic
This is madness. In any other kind of vote, it would be a scandal if the winner turned out not to be the candidate with the highest number of votes? Who remembers that business with the Blue Peter cat?
Des Wednesday
I do, I was a member of its fan club. Never knew it ran a business.

Cabinet news

No, don't be misled, I haven't got any news about MY cabinet, although please feel free to enquire if you are interested.

Anyway, I've just heard that incoming prime minister James May has appointed Richard Hammond as chancellor. This begs the obvious question - where does that leave William Woollard?

13 July 2016 7.24pm

Wayne Coach
hows yer cabinet des
Des Wednesday
Fine, thanks.

Another referendum?

Now the referendum's over and the news has gone really quiet again, I've decided to lobby the government about having another referendum, this time about whether we should remain in Mrs Greasy's cafe!

It's time we all stopped wasting all our money on that organisation and freed ourselves from the tyranny of Mrs Greasy!!

24 June 2016 3.39pm

Mrs Greasy
I will be making sure there is only ONE option on the voting slips, Des!


With all the recent controversies about offshore accounts, I feel it is time for me to come clean and admit that I am guilty of the same thing. Back in 1973, I lost a five pence piece in the sand on Shanklin beach. Assuming it's still there, presumably this is something I should be informing the tax people about?

8 Apr 2016 4.35pm

Clive Kippers
Indeed you should.

Am I the only one...

...who isn't being replaced by Chris Evans?

24 Jun 2015, 3:26pm

Clive Kippers
Indeed you are.


Greetings from Belfast!!

It's the last day of my holidays, and just now, while I was watching Bargain Hunt in my hotel room, I accidentally leant on the remote control and discovered something called 'Ceefax'!! It's absolutely fantastic!! It's a bit like the internet, only better! It has all the weather and news and stuff, and it's all shown in a futuristic, computer-style layout!

When I get home I think I'm going to be watching Ceefax quite a lot from now on!!

23 Oct 2012, 12:50pm

Clive Kippers
Des finally catches up with the 1980s. By the way, they're switching it off tonight.
Des Wednesday
What, the internet?
Clive Kippers
No, Ceefax!!!

Why on earth have you gone on holiday to Belfast, anyway? I mean, I've nothing against Belfast, but it's a strange place to take a holiday, particularly since you've spent the entire week sitting in your hotel room watching daytime television, which is exactly the same as what you do at home!!

Des Wednesday
Yes, but it's easier to avoid Mrs Greasy here.
Mrs Greasy
Morning Des.
Des Wednesday
Oh botherations.
Mike the Manic Mechanic
I always used to 'page the ORACLE' in my younger days.

Olympic Relay Race

I don't understand this, why on earth do they need to carry a torch when it's broad daylight??

19 May 2012 7.06pm

Mrs Greasy
Old news, Des, it came past my cafe last month! See here:


Mrs Greasy is not a "fit and proper" person to hold a cafe licence, a committee of MPs has concluded today. They also said that Mrs Greasy displayed "wilful ignorance" about how to cook food properly and "turned a blind ear to what was going on in her cafe" as regards protests from her customers complaining about her rotten cooking.

1 May 2012 4.53pm

Wayne Coach
oh no dose that meen mrs greesys gonna be closing down
Des Wednesday
That is a decision which will have to be made by OfCaf.
Wayne Coach
oh right
Mrs Greasy
Would you like a thick ear, Des?
Des Wednesday
No I'm fine thanks.
Clive Kippers
Mick wants to know if he can have his newspaper back now?
Dickie the Vicar
Don't forget everyone's invited to a smashing disco down at the church hall tonight at 7.30! Groooovy!

I'm hacked off!!

Why am I the only person whose phone hasn't been hacked?

9 July 2011 4.24pm

Mike the Manic Mechanic
Because the technology hasn't been invented to hack into mobile phones as old as yours. Was it before or after the Napoleonic Wars that you bought your current mobile phone?
Des Wednesday
I think it was after.
Des Wednesday
I've remembered now, I got it the day before the Su Pollard Gotcha on Noel's House Party.
Clive Kippers
Thank goodness you told us that vital information.

Top of the Pops!

I've just noticed they've brought back Top of the Pops!!! I watched it last night and there was Mud, Cliff Richard, Thin Lizzy, Dolly Parton, Tony Blackburn and The Rolling Stones.

I didn't enjoy it much, I don't like all that modern music. I'd much rather it went back to what it was like in 1976.

14 June 2011 2.15pm

Spending cuts

Today I have announced that, as part of a series of spending cuts, I shall no longer be spending any money at Mrs Greasy's cafe or Dickie the Vicar's discos.

The changes take place with immediate effect.

20 October 2010 6.24pm

Mrs Greasy
Would you care to come and tell me that in person, Des?
Des Wednesday
No thanks
Dickie the Vicar
Good Times!

The Ed Miller Band to lead the Labour Party!

I've just heard that apparently The Ed Miller Band have been elected leaders of the Labour party! I don't understand this, I didn't think it was allowed for pop groups to be voted the leaders of political parties! I've never even heard of them! Anyone got any of their records?

25 September 2010 6.04pm

Mike the Manic Mechanic
Yeah, got their first three albums from the late '70s, before they sold out to the 'hip crowd'.
Des Wednesday
Oh right....
Des Wednesday
Come to think of it, I think I've got a couple of their early singles lying around somewhere.
Des Wednesday
No, I was getting mixed up with Kajagoogoo.

Pope jokes

What's the Pope's favourite television programme?
'Top of the Popes'.

What's the Pope's favourite kind of music?
Pope music.

What's the Pope's favourite kind of drink?
Fizzy pope.

What's the Pope's favourite novelty song?
'Pope Goes the Weasel'.

What does the Pope eat when he goes to the cinema?

What does the Pope say to Mrs Pope when he's going down the shops?

"I'm just pope-ing down to the shops".

17 September 2010 12.16pm

Clive Kippers
Thirty seconds of my life I won't get back.
Wayne Coach
ha ha gr8 jokes des

Last of the Summer Wine axed!!!!!!!

I can't believe they've got rid of Last of the Summer Wine!! I mean, they hardly gave it a chance, have they?! How can a show like this ever expect to build up an audience when it gets taken off air just when it gets going?!?!?

30 August 2010 1.08pm

Fourth plinth

WHo's going up onto the spare plinth in Trafalgar Square then?

I've decided to go up there dressed as former Radio 1 DJ Paul Burnett.

10 July 2009 2.34pm

Clive Kippers
Mrs Greasy
Of course I will be using my hour much more productively, to promote South London's top eating establishment.
Des Wednesday
That's funny, I thought you'd use it to promote your cafe!
Mrs Greasy
Ha, ha, very funny.
Wayne Coach
im goin disgysed as micky mouse
Wayne Coach
whats a plinth

Eurovision in two weeks time!!!

But it's not going to be any good this year because good old Tony Wogan has been forced to stand down as apparently it's not allowed for an Irishman to commentate for Great Britain, and instead he's going to be replaced with the rubbish Graham Norton!! Eurovision is ruined!!!!

2 May 2009 11.11am

Mike the Manic Mechanic
Why don't you try installing some of that Anti-Norton software?
Des Wednesday
Eh? By the way, I meant Terry Wogan, not Tony Wogan.

I've got a brilliant idea to save the economy!!!

Why don't they just print more money? I bet no one's thought of that!!!!

11 April 2009 8.08pm

G 20 summit

Anyone go to the G-20 summit today? I did, it was great!

2 April 2009 6.51pm

Clive Kippers
I'm sorry??!!
Des Wednesday
No need to apologise, Clive.
Mrs Greasy
You lucky thing! I spent hours on that ticket hotline!!!

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!! Identity of new Doctor revealed!!

I've got the scoop!! I know who the new Doctor is!!

I overheard some people talking in the post office queue this morning, apparently the new Doctor is going to be a Dr Ian Ferguson. He takes over on Monday morning, which seems rather short notice to me!!

21 November 2008 12.14pm

OFFICIAL!! Doctor Who star stands down!!!

It's true, I've just heard it on the news! Doctor Who star Russell Brand has announced his resignation!! What a bombshell!! Russell is my third favourite Doctor of all time, after Sylvester McCoy and Timmy Mallett!!

30 October 2008 6.07pm

Mrs Greasy
Is that right?! What a pity. The years pass by so quickly, Russell still feels like the new Doctor to me!
Mike the Manic Mechanic
Aren't you two getting a bit mixed up?????
Dickie the Vicar
Timmy Mallett was my favourite too!
Clive Kippers
It pains me to point this out, but Timmy Mallett has never been, and will never be, Doctor Who.
Des Wednesday
If you would like to check your facts, Mr Clive Kippers, I think you'll find he was. Here is a list of all the Doctors.

1. William Hartnell
2. Patrick Troughton
3. Jon Pertwee
4. Tom Baker
5. Peter Davison
6. Timmy Mallett
7. Colin Baker
8. Sylvester McCoy
9. Paul McGann
10. Christopher Eccleston
11. David Tennant

Dickie the Vicar
I've always loved everything the Krankies have done!
Clive Kippers
I don't know why I bother.

Clive Kippers is NOT James Bond

Just to clear up any confusion, in case anyone was wondering, I would like to be able to confirm that, despite reports to the contrary, my next-door neighbour, a certain Mr Clive Kippers, is definitely NOT going to be the next James Bond!

19 September 2007 7.10pm

Clive Kippers
What?!?!??!!? What reports?! Where on earth did you get the idea I was going to be playing James Bond?!?!
Mick Woolley
Tell him, Des.
Des Wednesday
Mick?!?! What the heck are you doing on here?! You haven't even got a computer!

Well...anyway...all the answers are here:

Election time!

Now that the prime minister's stepping down, they've got to find a replacement for him, obviously! So who are you going to vote for? There's no obvious candidate for the job as far as I can see, so I've been thinking about it VERY carefully, weighing up all the options, and I've come to the decision that the best candidate has to be Gordon! It would be so exciting to see him rise to the very top, especially after he got cast aside by Phillip Schofield all those years ago! Everyone vote Gordon!!

26 June 2007 3.07pm

Wayne Coach
im voting for ed the duck
Mrs Greasy
Gordon the Gopher and Edd the Duck?? What preposterous suggestions! In my opinion there's only one individual capable of handling the very difficult job of prime minister, which is why my vote is going to Ratz from series 1 of Live and Kicking.
Clive Kippers
You numpties, there is no election, and even if there was, we wouldn't get a vote anyway!
Mike the Manic Mechanic
I voted for Saxon ;)

Smokie ban

Have I got this right? Apparently I've heard that from 1st July, they're bringing in a Smokie ban!

This is outrageous, I've got loads of Smokie records, in fact 'Living Next Door to Alice' is number 27 in my Top 28 records of all time! And now they're saying that if I want to listen to Smokie I've got to do it outside! How bizarre! What if your neighbours aren't Smokie fans and shout at you for listening to your Smokie records in the garden? I know it's hard to believe, but some people actually don't like them!

I think what I'll do to protest against this is to set up one of those interweb petition things, I've heard they often make a big difference to things.

17 June 2007 1.05pm

Clive Kippers
For goodness sake...
Mrs Greasy
Des is right, this is out of order! So, from now on, when you see people standing outside shops and offices in the cold, huddled around a record player, you'll know exactly what they're up to!
Mike the Manic Mechanic
I think there's been a bit of confusion here. The 'Smokie' in question is actually the popular Motown star Smokey Miracle, as in 'Smokey Miracle and the Robinsons'.
Des Wednesday
Thank goodness, I don't own any of her records!
Clive Kippers
Give me strength.

You think you've got it bad...

You didn't have to spend the whole night travelling up the M1 in a life-size replica of your own house!! Don't believe me? Oh, it was only another of Mrs Greasy's stupid schemes. Read about here:

4 June 2007 2.36pm

Eurovision again?!

Now I'm confused! I put the telly on to watch my current favourite programme, The National Lottery People's Quiz, and instead there was another Eurovision Song Contest on!!!

This time, we were in it, but we still didn't win, not even with a quality song like that! I reckon it's because the rest of Europe hates us. I'm telling the BBC, if you want to win again, bring me back! After the huge success I had last time we can't fail! I'll even enter the Eurovision for kids if they want!! Just give me a bit of make-up and no one will ever know! Go on, please!!

13 May 2007 2.34pm


Anyone see the Eurovision Song Contest last night? I couldn't quite figure out who actually won though, anyone know? And where was Terry Wigon? And why weren't we in it? Couldn't find anyone to sing for us this year? I'll represent us again if there's no one else available! I remember when it used to be on Saturday nights, it was a lot better then, why did they move it to Thursday? It's not the like the old days, you know.

11 May 2007 10.33am

Blair's resigned!!!

Well that was a bolt from the blue wasn't it? I certainly didn't see that coming! I'm genuinely shocked by the news that Mr Blair's going to step down, I really don't think 'Give Us a Clue' will be the same without him!

10 May 2007 4.15pm

Bank holiday

It's the Eurovision Song Contest in a few days, woo hoo!!! Bet you don't remember when I represented us at Eurovision about ten years ago! Forget Jemini, I was the first to get nil points for the UK!! But for some reason I've been airbrushed out of history... Anyway, there's a story that tells you all about it here:

7 May 2007 1.17pm

St George's Day

I've just heard on the television that it's St George's Day! I don't understand why people don't celebrate it, in fact for some reason every time I bring up the subject of celebrating St George's Day everyone else goes quiet and then they quickly change the subject. I can't understand it, last time we did it, six years ago tomorrow (where have the years gone??) when we re-enacted the George and the Dragon story it was a huge success (apart from when we got arrested). Anyway, strangely, because nothing much really happened on that day, there's a story you can read about it as well:

Anyway, really got to go this time, otherwise Dickie the Vicar's going to come calling on me!!

23 April 2007 7.21pm

Clive Kippers
For goodness sake, don't remind them about that, it was the first (and only, may I hastily add) time I've been arrested!
Des Wednesday
What about that time you got arrested dressed as a giraffe for Farmer Files's circus then?! Ha ha!!
About me

Hello, my name's Des Wednesday, I'm quite an ordinary person really, not much happens to me really.

I live next door to a quite boring person called Mick on one side, and very annoying person called Clive on the other. I also live near a idiot window cleaner called Wayne, a useless cook called Mrs Greasy who can't cook but still insists on running a cafe even though no one ever goes there, a strange pig farmer called Farmer Files who says "Ooooh arrrr" all the time, a mechanic called Mike the Manic Mechanic and a vicar called Dickie the Vicar who still insists on holding charity discos even though no one ever goes to them.

So as you can see I never get much peace, but if you want to find out more about us someone has set up one of those interweb site thingeys here:


Abba, A Tribe of Toffs, Kajagoogoo, Chicory Tipp, Barry Manilow, Black Lace, Joe Dolce Music Theatre

Tweenies, Balamory, National Lottery In It To Win It, Dooby Duck's Disco Bus, Bobby Davro - Public Enemy No 1

Mr Blobby

Wayne Coach
allo des its yer old mate wayne here
Wayne Coach
des can yer ask clive if he can add me to his freinds list pleese cos he wont add me
Clive Kippers
Oh for goodness sake Wayne, I'll add you then, if only to stop you moaning about it!