Bones and Whoson

Bones Buys Some Wheels

by Robert Williams

Bones and Whoson returned to their headquarters, completely out of breath.

"If only...we hadn't...missed...the last bus," panted Bones, "we would've...had that burglary...sewn up!"

They had just missed the last bus to the local embroidery shop to solve an evil burglary.

"Isn't it time...we bought...a new car?" panted Whoson, sinking into the nearest chair and into a whopee cushion.

"Oh thanks...Whoson, I've been looking...for that. I need that...for when the inspector...comes round. What were you...saying?"

"We need...a new car!" exclaimed Whoson.

Yes, that's right...we're missing out...on too many...crime opportunities," said Bones. "But we...don't need...a new car...just some wheels...for the old one."

Bones and Whoson's 1977 Ford Cortina had been without wheels since 1982.

"No, I think...a new one...would be better!" said Whoson.

"Have you...seen the price...of cars these days?!" exclaimed Bones.

"That Cortina is a fit state to be...out on the road," said Whoson. "It should be...condemned!"

"Nonsense," said Bones, slowly getting his breath back. "All right, the last time...I drove it was 1979. But there's...plenty of life left in the old thing!"

"Where are you going to get...wheels from anyway?" said Whoson.

"Down the...scrapheap," said Bones.

So the next day Bones dragged Whoson down to the local scrapheap in search of wheels.

"Now search round and try and find the wheels in the best condition," said Bones.

"This was your idea," said Whoson. "You do it. I'd sooner be down the showroom."

"We can't afford a new car!!!" exclaimed Bones. "All right then, you sit down here and I'll find some wheels."

Whoson settled down to read 'The Times' while Bones hunted round for some decent wheels. Eventually, he came back.

"Took your time," said Whoson. "I've been waiting ages."

"I can see that," said Bones. "You've had to resort to reading the business section. It's not as easy as you'd think to find some good condition wheels. Most of them are in an appalling state."

"They'd go rather well on your Cortina then," said Whoson.

"Anyway, this one's from a Mini, this one from a BMW, this one from an Granada and this one from a Reliant Robin."

"But they're all different sizes!" exclaimed Whoson.

"So?" said Bones. "They're all round! Won't make any difference!"

Whoson decided not to argue, because he felt like a good laugh.

Bones spent the next few days trying to get the Cortina's engine to work.

"Right then, Whoson," said Bones. "All up and running! This'll be the first time for 16 years this has worked! Oh, I'm so excited!"

"Have you got an MOT for it?" said Whoson.

"M...O... Well, I've got the wheels! That's near enough!"

"Are you going to fix the wheels on then?"

"Yes, I'll do it now," said Bones. He fetched the widely varying wheels and fixed them on. For the first time since 1982 the Cortina made contact with the ground.

"There you go, brilliant," said Bones.

"It's a bit lop-sided," pointed out Whoson.

"Details, details," said Bones. "Hop in, we'll go for a drive."

"Are you sure it's safe?" said Whoson, getting in the high side.

"Of course!" said Bones, getting in the low side.

Copyright © Robert Williams 1995