by Robert Williams
Des received a visit from a distressed and exasperated Wayne one morning.
"THERE'S A GIANT PIG ON THE LOOSE!!!" he exclaimed as Des opened the front door. "IT'S FIFTY FEET TALL!!!!"
"Yes of course there is," said Des. "Goodbye!"
"NO THERE IS!!! IT'S ON THE BY-PASS NEAR THE GAS WORKS!!" exclaimed Wayne.
"Have you been eating that cheese you've been keeping in your bin since you found it behind Mrs Greasy's fridge in 1994?" said Des.
"YOU GOTTA SAVE US FROM IT DES!!!!"
"Goodbye Wayne," said Des, going to close the door on him.
"HELP!!!!! HELP!!!! THERE'S A GIANT PIG ON THE LOOSE!!!!!" shouted Wayne through the letterbox.
"Giant pigs, I don't know," said Des. "It'll be a giant gerbil next."
"Who's that, Des?" said Mick.
"What are you doing here?!" said Des.
"I came in through the back door," said Mick.
"I wish you'd open it first! Now shhh, it's time for Jimmy Young," said Des, switching the radio on.
"There's an oxymoron if ever I heard one," said Mick.
"Don't call Jimmy Young a moron!!!" exclaimed Des.
Unfortunately Des's dial had been knocked along slightly, and instead of hearing the sound of Radio 2, they heard an advert for some new fizzy drink.
"Ooooh arrrrr!!! Feeling thoirsty??!! Your mouth droier than Mick Woolley's drinks cabinet?!"
"Oi!" remarked Mick.
"Or 'ave you just eaten some of Mrs Greasy's black pudding?!"
"This bloke sounds just like Farmer Files," remarked Des.
"Oooooh arrrrr!! All will be well when you've refreshed your mouth by takin' a swig of tasty NEW PIGsi soft drink!! Get tha' down your throat!!"
"Sounds disgusting," said Des.
The next ad was even worse.
"Ooooh arrrrr!!! 'As your style gone down the drain? Your clothes looking old, tired and jaded? People beginnin' to mistake you for Des Wednesday?"
"Cor!" exclaimed Des.
"Get your attire sparkling clean with NEW PIGil washing powder!!! Washes pinker than pink!!!"
"It is Farmer Files!" said Des. "Don't tell me he's found work as a voiceover artist?!"
"It's worse than that," said Mick. "Haven't you heard about that new radio station?"
"PIG FM!!!" sang the jingle singers on the radio.
"I have now," sighed Des.
"Oooooh arrrrr!!!" said Files on the radio. "You be listenin' to the new sound in Tolworth! It's PIG FM, and oi be your hip and trendy host, Farmer Foiles!"
"Bring back Tony Blackburn," sighed Des.
"And now be the latest single boi those cheeky scampsters who be takin' the 'it parade boi storm - Pinky and Perky!! Ooooh arrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files.
Des switched off the radio quickly.
"This is getting ridiculous!" he said. "That Files is getting everywhere! He's got PIG breweries, PIG jumpers, PIG holiday camps, PIG records, PIGline trains, PIGsoft computers and now PIG FM! I dread to think what'll be next!"
"PIG TV," said Mick. He switched on Des's television and tuned it into the brand new channel aimed at all those involved with, and interested in, the world of pig farming.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!!" exclaimed Farmer Files on the television. Des switched it off quickly.
"How does he do that?" said Des. "Be on the telly and the radio at the same time?"
"It's all recorded, isn't it!" said Mick. "At the moment he's probably busy setting up his latest PIG venture - the PIG perfume range! Now doesn't that sound disgusting?!"
Just then the doorbell ring.
"Oh I wish that Wayne would just go away!!" exclaimed Des. He answered the door, ready to give Wayne an earful, but instead Clive was standing there. Des looked round and saw Wayne sitting on the doorstep, shaking.
"Did you know there's a fifty foot tall pig next to the A3 by-pass?" said Clive.
"Not you as well," groaned Des.
"Well if Clive says there is, then there must be," said Mick.
"Oh right, so whatever Clive says is the truth," said Des.
"Correct," said Clive. "There is a fifty foot tall pig next to the A3 by-pass. Cars have wheels. You are an idiot."
"See, told you," said Mick. "I suppose we'd better go and investigate this then."
"Oh, do we have to?" whined Des.
"Are you not intrigued by this giant pig?" said Mick.
"No, as long it doesn't come trampling over my garden, I don't care," said Des. "And anyway, 'Wipeout' with Bob Monkhouse is on in a minute."
"I'll wipe you out in a minute!" exclaimed Mick. "Now come on!"
Des, Mick, Clive and Wayne piled into Des's Fiat 126, and they drove off to the reported location of the pig. As they drove up the A3, they saw the giant pink pig looming over the horizon.
"Oh no!!!" exclaimed Wayne. "It's still there!!! HELP!!!!"
"I would have thought it's rather obvious who is behind this," said Mick.
"Well of course," said Des. "Alvin Stardust."
"No!!!" exclaimed Mick. "Farmer Files of course! It must be to do with his PIG empire!"
"Perhaps he's been conducting a genetic experiment that's gone horribly wrong!" said Clive.
They continued to drive up the road, closer and closer to where the pig was.
"Oh I see, it's not actually a real pig then," said Des, as they looked up at it. Mick just tutted.
As they passed the pig, they also drove past a large sign saying 'PIG World - opening Monday!"
"PIG World?!" exclaimed Des. "What's that?!"
Just past the sign was a newly built side road, which led into PIG World. Against his better judgement, Des drove into this road.
"We're not going in 'ere are we??!!" exclaimed Wayne. "There's a giant pig that's gonna squash us!!"
"Wayne, I said it isn't real," said Des.
"Of course it's real, I can see it, can't you?!" said Wayne.
They drove up the road, under a large sign saying 'Welcome to PIG World!' and into a car park, which was empty except for one Land Rover. Des stopped the car, and Farmer Files walked up to them.
"Ah!" exclaimed Clive as they looked around. "It's a theme park!"
"A theme park?!" said Mick. "Based around pigs?!"
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!!!" exclaimed Files. "We be openin' next Monday! Didn't you see the soign?!"
"We don't actually want to come here!" said Mick.
"I do!!" exclaimed Wayne.
"We were just wondering why there was a giant pig at the side of the A3," said Des. "But now we know. So we'll be off then!"
"I wanna come 'ere!!" said Wayne.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!! That giant pig be the centrepiece of PIG World! The excoitin' new theme park for all the family! Visitors will be able to walk insoide the giant pig and visit an interactive experience which tells them all about the world of pigs! Then there's all koinds of rides to go on, like the PIG rollercoaster and the PIG Ghost Train!! And there even be a PIG zoo!!"
"Oh god," said Mick.
"I wanna come!!!!" whined Wayne.
"But I thought you were frightened of that giant pig!"
"Durrr!!" said Wayne. "It's not a real one, stupid!!! Filesy just said!!! So can we go?!! Please!!!!"
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files. "Just because it be you lot, and oi be in a generous mood, oi'll let you all 'ave a look round now, without all the crowds of people!!"
"Great!!! Thanks Filesy!!" exclaimed Wayne, running off in the direction of the giant pig, which stood at the entrance to the theme park. Mick and Clive hurried after him.
"Ooooh arrrrrr!!! You still be 'avin' to pay though!!" exclaimed Files. "Four adults, that'll be £60 please, Des."
"Eh? What? £60??" said Des, who was still standing there. He grumbled to himself as he paid Files the money. Then they went and joined the other three who were waiting at the giant pig.
"Ooooh arrrr!!" exclaimed Files. "Nifty eh? We be 'avin' lifts up the pig's trotters!!"
They walked inside the giant pig's trotter and into a lift which took them up into the main body of the pig. When the lift reached the top, they walked out and found themselves in a large exhibition hall, full of big pictures of pigs and farmers. It all looked incredibly boring.
"Oooooh arrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files. "Let me be introducin' you to the fascinatin' world of pigs and pig farmin'! Moi name is Farmer Foiles, and oi was in the pig farmin' game for over fifty years! But pig farmin' be goin' back a lot further than that..."
As they walked slowly through the exhibition, Files droned on about the history of pig farming, and related some of his boring anecdotes that they had all heard many times before anyway. After two hours they finally reached the end.
"Ooooh arrrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files. "And that be the end of moi talk about the 'istory of pigs and pig farmin'!! I 'ope you all found it fascinatin'!! Did you, Des?"
"Wake up Des!!" exclaimed Mick to Des, who had nodded off on his shoulder.
"Uh? What?" said Des, waking up.
"Did you enjoy moi talk?" said Files.
"Oh yes, I, er, especially enjoyed the bit about the pigs," said Des.
"Oooooh arrrrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files. "Well that be the educational part of PIG World, now it be toime for the fun part!!!"
"And about time too!" grumbled Clive. "I didn't pay £15 for the most boring two hours of my life!"
"You didn't pay, I did!" exclaimed Des.
"Walk this way!!" said Files. They followed him into another lift, which took them back down.
They walked out of the trotter, and stood and looked all around them. Everything was pink, and pig-shaped - the rides, the buildings, the signs, and even the pigs. Yes - live pigs, walking around, lying around, all over the place.
"Why have you got live pigs?!" asked Mick.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!! You can't be 'aving PIG World without pigs!"
"They make the whole place smell like a pigsty!" exclaimed Des. "It's disgusting!"
"The PIGsty actually be over there!" pointed Files. "It be the name of the refreshment area!! Caterin' be very kindly provoided by Mrs Greasy!"
"That's even more disgusting," said Clive.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!! Now you can be goin' on any of the roides you loike!!" said Files.
"The rollercoaster!!" exclaimed Wayne.
So they walked into the rollercoaster station with Files.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!! You lot just sit yourselves down in there, and oi'll just go and switch it on! Won't be a minute!!"
The four of them did as Files said, and sat themselves down at the front end of the rollercoaster. They all pulled down their safety brackets on and waited. And waited. And waited.
"Hurry up Filesy!!" said Wayne after ten minutes.
"I'm getting a bit hungry," said Des. "Good thing I've got my emergency sandwiches!" He reached into his coat pocket and took out some rather manky-looking sandwiches. "Look Mick, ham sandwiches. Tee-hee!"
"Doesn't look like we're in any danger of going anywhere," said Des. "I'll think I'll eat it now!"
But as soon as he had started to tuck in, the rollercoaster suddenly jerked forward and then sped off down the line.
"Ohhhhhh my god!" yelled Mick. "This is too fast!!!!!"
"Aaaarrrrghhhhh!!!" screamed Clive.
"Heyyyyyyyy!!!" yelled Wayne, with his hands in the air.
"Are you all right Des?!?!!!" exclaimed Mick.
Des seemed to be stuck in a state of suspended animation, with his eyes bulging and his hand in the process of ramming his ham sandwich into his mouth.
The rollercoaster whizzed on its way, round and round in circles and spirals, upside down and right way up, all over the theme park. Eventually they came to back round to the station and the rollercoaster ground to a halt.
"WOW!!!" exclaimed Wayne. "That was FUN!!!"
Des was at last able to pull the sandwich out of his mouth.
"Would you like your 'Jim'll Fix It' badge now?!" laughed Mick.
"What?" said a rather bedraggled Des.
"Ooooh arrrrrr!!!" said Files, who was waiting for them. "Would you loike to go round again?!"
"YES PLEASE!!!!" exclaimed Wayne.
"Oh...no..." mumbled Des.
Files pushed a button and the rollercoaster sped off once again.
"HEY-HEY!!!!!" yelled Wayne. "WOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"AARRGGHH!!!" exclaimed Des suddenly.
"What's the matter???!!" yelled Mick.
"A live pig has just come out from under my seat!!" yelled Des. He watched, totally bemused, as the pig got up and sat on his lap. Mick tried not to laugh.
After another complete circuit, the rollercoaster came to rest again at the station, the pig still sitting in Des's lap.
"Farmer Files," mumbled Des. "I wish to make an official complaint. I have had to spend almost the whole of that ride clutching onto a horrible, dirty, smelly pig..."
"Ooooh arrrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files, ignoring Des. "Would you be loikin' to go round again?! Or would you be wantin' to try another roide?! Loike the PIG Ghost Train?!"
"Ghost train?!!" exclaimed Wayne. "Yes please!!"
Des groaned. Wayne leapt out of the rollercoaster and dashed off with Files. The others disembarked from the rollercoaster more slowly, with Des having to lift the heavy pig off him first. Unable to walk straight, the three of them stumbled off after Wayne and Files.
"Took yer time didn't yer!" exclaimed Wayne, when they arrived at the PIG Ghost Train.
"Let's just get on with it," groaned Des. Files went to switch the ride on.
"This is gonna be SO SCARY!!!" exclaimed Wayne, as the four went and sat in the little car.
"I won't even attempt to eat my sandwiches this tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimeee!!!!" exclaimed Des as the ride suddenly started up and they were whizzed into complete darkness.
As they ride went through they heard scary oinking noises. Then they started seeing evil images on the walls of scary-looking pigs dressed as Frankenstein's monster and Dracula. Wayne was biting his nails with fear. The others, however, were not so impressed.
"Oh great," said Clive, sarcastically. "Really frightening, this is. Pigs dressed as demons. Oooooh, I'm so scared. Good grief."
"AAARGGHHHHH!!!" exclaimed Des suddenly.
A pig had suddenly jumped in from the side and landed on Des's lap.
"Not again!" exclaimed Des. "I'm going die of a heart attack before I leave this place!"
As they came back out into daylight at the end of the ride, Files was there to greet them.
"Farmer Files," mumbled Des. "I wish to make another complaint. Back in there I was almost killed by a stupid pig jumping on me..."
"Oooooh arrrrr!!!" said Files. "Did you enjoy that one?!"
"That was so scary!!" said Wayne, still with a worried look on his face. "I'm gonna have nightmares!"
Luckily, Nick Ross was on hand to reassure him.
"Don't have nightmares," he said.
"Oh all right, I won't then!" said Wayne. "What's the next ride?"
"Oh no, I'm not going on any more rides," said Des. "I want to still be alive when I get out of here!" Mick and Clive agreed.
"Is there anything more sedate round here?" said Mick. "Preferably not containing live pigs?"
"Oooooh arrrrr!! This be PIG World!! There be pigs everywhere!!!"
"Filesy!! Can we go on the big pink dipper?!! Please!!!!" exclaimed Wayne.
"Oooooh arrrrr!!! Okay then! Come with me!!" said Files.
Files and Wayne went off to enjoy the big pink dipper, leaving Des, Mick and Clive standing about by a signpost with pigs walking all around them.
"What takes your fancy?" said Mick.
"The way out!" said Des. "Come on, let's go!!"
So they followed the signs to the car park, doing their best not to trip over all the pigs. But unluckily for them, Files had spied them leaving on a CCTV screen.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!!" exclaimed Files. "How dare they be leavin' without moi permission!!" He pulled out a walkie-talkie. "Porkers!! After 'em!!"
Files's voice boomed out on loudspeakers across the theme park. On the command, all the pigs suddenly stopped milling about, and started running at top speed towards Des, Mick and Clive.
"Can you feel the ground rumbling?" said Mick as they reached the car park. "Is it an earthquake?"
"No! Look!!!" exclaimed Des. They looked behind them and saw hundreds of pigs racing towards them. "Run!!!"
Panicking, they ran across the car park as quickly as they could, got inside Des's car and locked all the doors.
"Hurry up Des!" said Mick. "Drive off before they catch up!"
"Which way's out?!" said Des. He started driving round and round the car park in blind panic, looking for the way out, still pursued by the pigs.
"Oooooh arrrrrr!!" came Files's voice over the loudspeakers. "There be no way out!!"
Des gasped. "Did you hear that?! There's no way out! We can never leave!!"
"Don't be ridiculous, it's over there," said Clive, pointing to sign saying 'Way Out'.
"Oh yes," said Des. They sped off out of the exit and onto the main road.
"Ha, ha!" laughed Des as they whizzed down the dual carriageway. "Those daft pigs will never catch us now!"
As the pigs ran out onto the road, Files activated their rocket packs by remote control, and suddenly all the people driving down the road saw something they thought they'd never see.
"Oh my god!!" exclaimed Des, looking in his rear view mirror. "Flying pigs!!"
"Yeah right, and pigs might...what?!!" said Clive.
They all peered out of the windows and saw all the pigs flying through the air with rocket packs on their backs. They quickly homed in on Des's car.
"They're right above us!!" said Mick, peering out of the window.
"FIRE!!" said Files into his walkie talkie. The pigs started firing pigswill onto Des's car.
"HELP!!" exclaimed Des, as thick pigswill covered the windscreen. "I can't see where we're going!!" He tried switching on the windscreen wipers, but they proved useless against the constant downpour of pigswill. "HEEELLLPP!!!!"
"Des!! Des!! Wake up!!" said Mick.
"Huh?! What?!" said Des, waking up. "Oh thank goodness, it was all a dream! Where am I?"
"In a car covered in pigswill, travelling down the A3 at 60mph, pursued by flying pigs!" exclaimed Clive.
"And then you have to go and fall asleep!!" exclaimed Mick who was leaning across him holding the steering wheel.
"Oh," said Des.
"So what are we going to do?!!" exclaimed Clive.
"Don't worry," said Des. "I have an idea."
Copyright © Robert Williams