by Robert Williams

"Oooooh arrrrrr!!!!" exclaimed Farmer Files. "Oi be goin' to a farmer's convention next week!!!"

"Oooooh arrrrrr," said Des, sarcastically. "Oi be not the slightest bit interested."

"Ahhhhh," said Files. "But that be where you be a-comin' in!!!"

"Here we go," sighed Mick.

"Oi'll be away for two weeks down in Darzet!!"

"Happy days are here again!" exclaimed Des.

"And oi want you two to be a-keepin' watch on the porkers while oi be away!" while oi be away!"

"Why can't they come with you?" asked Mick.

"Oooooh arrrrr!!! There aren't enough rooms in the ho'el for all o' them! So they be a-stayin"ere and you and various other people will be twen'y-four hour securi'y guards!"

They negotiated on pay.

"Two hundred pounds," said Mick.

"Ooooh arrrrr!! One 'undred!" exclaimed Files.

"Fifty," said Des.

"Done!" exclaimed Files. Mick glared at Des.

Des and Mick roped in Wayne, Clive, Mrs Greasy and Roger the slug as well, so they could suffer as well.

Des worked out the shift pattern.

"Mrs Greasy and Roger: 6.00am to 2.00pm, 3.00pm to 10.00pm. Clive and Wayne: 10.00pm to 6.00am. Me and Mick: 2.00pm to 3.00pm."

Clive then reworked everything out, so all were on equal hours. Des and Mick ended up working the overnight shift.

They donned their uniforms, went to the pigsty and sat outside. Des promptly fell asleep. Mick sighed.

At 2.45 in the morning Mick woke Des up.

"What is it??" said Des, wearily.

"There's someone about!"

"Oh, who on earth is going to want to steal pigs?"

Mick switched on his solar power torch, but realised that it was dark, so instead he called out, "who's there??" it was dark, so instead he called out, "who's there??"

The person said nothing. Des was so terrifed he disappeared into the pigsty and hid behind the sleeping porkers. The person then spoke.

"Allo, it's yer ol' mate Wayne 'ere!"

"Oh, it's only Wayne," said Mick. "What do you want? You're not a pignapper, are you?"

"I thought it was Clive on watch at the moment. I was wondering if I could borrow his lawnmower."

"At 2.45 in the morning???"

"Course you can!" exclaimed a rather smelly Des.

"Thanks Des!!"

Clive did not get any further sleep that night. Files returned the following day early.

"Ooooh arrrrr!!! Happy days be 'ere again!!"

Copyright © Robert Williams 1993

A longer version of this story,
Des and Mick Keep Guard on the Porkers was later written for Volume 9.

Next mini-story: Des and Mick Meet Bones and Whoson
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