THE DES AND MICK NEWS
by Robert Williams
Mick was reading the local newspaper one morning (as he does) when Des barged in.
"I'm fed up with you always reading that local newspaper," he exclaimed. "So we're going to set up our own one. The 'Des and Mick News'!"
Mick groaned. Within a week, Des had turned his spare bedroom into the office of the 'Des and Mick News'.
"I've already got some contributors for my, er, our newspaper!" exclaimed Des when Mick was in the vicinity.
"I can't imagine who," sighed Mick.
"Farmer Files has his agriculture column, Wayne does our jokes spot, Mrs Greasy is contributing the recipe page and Roger (the slug) is putting together a pets' corner."
"What about Clive?"
Des ignored him, and immediately dragged Mick out to look for some exciting news stories taking place around Tolworth. Except that there were not any. So Des decided to get an exclusive interview with Farmer Files.
"So then, Files, what do you say to complaints that your farm is so smelly it's polluting the whole of South London?"
"Oooooh arrrrr!" exclaimed Files.
"How do you spell that, exactly?"
"T-H-A-T. Look 'ere. Me porkers be no' a' all smelly! And if you bother me any longer oi'll be force-feedin' you some o' me pigswill! All roight?"
"Thank you very much for talking to me," said Des, leaving rapidly. Mick took a few shots of the pigsty, although he found it rather hard with his gas mask on.
One week later, the first exciting edition of the 'Des and Mick News' went on sale across Tolworth. Clive bought the first copy, mainly so he could laugh at it.
"What's this?" he remarked. "The front page headline: 'Farmer Files's farm is not smelly, says Farmer Files'!"
"It gets worse," said Mick. "'Mrs Greasy installs double glazing in her kitchen window'. 'Wayne cleans Mrs Greasy's new double glazed window'. 'Clive is stupid'."
Clive glared at Des. "'Des buys a new watch because his old one conked out'. And look! 'SHOCK EXCLUSIVE!!! Mick looks out of his bedroom window to see if it is raining'!"
Wayne suddenly burst out laughing while reading his copy. "Hey listen to this joke on me joke page!! Why did the cat cross the road? Don't know? 'Cause it was stapled to the chicken!!! GEDDIT!! Ha, ha, ha!!"
Des burst out laughing too. The others remained straight faced. Mick then got to Mrs Greasy's recipe page.
"'Rock cakes: ingredients: some rocks, and some cake mixture. Bung it all into a bowl and stick it in the oven'."
Roger's pets' corner feature appeared to be slightly lacking. Lacking in text and pictures, that is. Not surprising, considering he is a slug.
Finally, they got to Farmer Files's agriculture page. The headline: 'Ooooh arrrrr!! Oi repeat! Me porkers not be smelly!!'
The 'Des and Mick News' never reappeared.
Copyright © Robert Williams 1993