DMTV controller, Des Wednesday, answers your questions about our output...

Is DMTV dumbing down?
I have been watching DMTV for many decades, but I feel the output recently has been dumbed down considerably. It appeals now to just the lowest common denominator.
Angus McCoatUp, Dumfries

Des replies: I refute all claims of dumbing down. During the recent Middle East peace talks, DMTV was the only channel to secure an interview with Victoria Spice to ask her who her favourite Tellytubby is. Our aim is to attract younger viewers to DMTV, which is why I wholeheartedly defend our decision to ask the Chuckle Brothers to anchor DMTV News at Ten. If only they had said yes...

DMTV is behind the times
Why is DMTV getting so behind with new technology? Hardly any of your shows are in NICAM stereo, and few programmes have subtitles.
Tony, Blackburn

Des replies: This simply is not true, DMTV is at the cutting edge of new tech. Remember, Des and Mick FM was the first radio station to transmit in widescreen. And we'd love to provide subtitles on shows like Farmers in Practice, but we haven't got a clue what Farmer Files is saying either! The most exciting news is that we're about to start using computer graphics, now I've bought a BBC Master 128.

The Orange and White Minstrel Show
I cannot believe this outdated show is still a part of DMTV's schedule. No one in this day and age wants to see celebrities like Dale Winton, David Dickinson and Judith Chalmers putting on orange make-up for our entertainment!
Joy Division, Manchester

Des replies: They are orange!

Long-running show axed
Why has DMTV chosen to axe one of its longest running programmes, The Day After Tomorrow's World, after nearly 140 years?
Raymond Ellis-Baxter, London SE34

Des replies: Because I've heard that apparently the Earth is going to be hit by a massive meteorite in a couple of days, wiping out all life on the planet. This therefore renders this programme irrelevant.

Too many DIY shows
Why does DMTV show so many DIY, cookery and gardening programmes?
Eileen Dover, Dover

Des replies: Because they're cheap.

Too many repeats
Why does DMTV show so many repeats?
Laurie Driver, Cheltenham

Des replies: Because they're cheap.

Too many DOGs
Why is the screen getting cluttered with so many pointless DOGs [Digital On-screen Graphics]?
Rick O'Shea, London

Des replies: Too many dogs? What are you on about? I haven't got any pets!

Too much reality TV
First Big Bore-ther, then Pop Idiot, now I Was a Celebrity, My Bank Balance Needs You. When will DMTV stop jumping on the reality TV bandwagon?
Dec A. Dent, Newcastle-upon-Tyne

Des replies: We are not jumping on any bandwagons - in fact we recently took delivery of a B-reg Ford Transit. Viewing figures in virtually double figures prove that there is still a healthy appetite for reality TV, and in response to that we have already commissioned a further 270 series of Big Bore-ther. Also, because it's cheap. However Mr Dent will be relieved to know that DMTV will soon be moving onto the next stage of reality TV - virtual reality TV, in which viewers will vote for which computer generated person gets wiped from our hard disk.

Too many repeats
Why does DMTV show so many repeats?
Laurie Driver, Cheltenham

Des replies: Because they're cheap. And they fill up space.

Not enough quality documentaries
Whatever happened to the in-depth documentaries DMTV used to show?
Eltham John, Eltham

Des replies: This goes back to the earlier question about 'dumbing down'. DMTV continues to break new ground with our documentary programming. Did Mr John not see our recent series, Walking with Worms? And we continue to explore the popular 'docu-soap' genre with our latest series, Garden Centre, which provides a revealing peak inside the fascinating world of, um, garden centres.

Heavens above
When will that talented, inventive, innovative, all-round star Chris Heavens be back on our screens?
Chris Heavens, London W4

Des replies: Not any time soon, thank heavens.

Unsuitable scenes
I am getting increasingly concerned at the proliferation of disturbing, graphic scenes shown on DMTV before the watershed. Scenes such as this are totally unsuitable for the audience which is likely to be watching at this time, which may include my parents.
Jack (aged 3), Wolverhampton

Des replies: I am sorry to hear of your concerns. I can assure you that in future all scenes of graphics will be kept until after the watershed.

Smugheads is a fix!
I'm sick and tired of watching the Smugheads win this quiz day after day after day. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that the whole thing's a fix! On today's edition, for example, the challengers were asked questions on 15th century Italian architecture and the chemical composition of titanium disulphide - whereas the Smugheads [Des Wednesday, Wayne Coach, Mrs Greasy and Farmer Files] were asked questions such as 'what is that yellow round thing in the sky called' and 'what is that green stuff that grows out of the ground called'. How can this be called a fair contest?!?!
Jim Klass, Leatherhead

Des replies: Seems perfectly fair to me!

Loss of sporting events
I am very angry that DMTV has lost the rights to next year's Great Slug Race to a satellite channel. This is the latest in a long line of top sporting events that DMTV has lost to its rivals.
Weekly Thompson, Swansea

Des replies: I'm sorry, but I really couldn't justify spending 99p on a load of slugs. But we still have the rights to many of the world's most exciting sporting events, including the Tidworth Tiddlywinks Championships, the Motspur Park Hamster Wanging Contest, and Nose-picking from Cheltenham.

Flop Gear
Whatever happened to your motoring show Flop Gear? In the 1980s this was an informative magazine programme presented by Wilbur Woollyjumper. Nowadays it's little more than a childish entertainment show in which Jeremiah Clarkton, Dicky Gerbil and Jake Maynot blow up caravans every week!
Tommy Tookamota, Tokyo

Des replies: We've got to get rid of all of those caravans off the roads somehow!

Professor What
Your latest attempt at a new sci-fi show for Saturday nights seems a trifle unoriginal. It involves an alien known as The Professor, a Time Earl who flies around in a time machine disguised as a small local supermarket, called the SPARDIS, with his companion played by an ex-pop star from B*Witched, who fight creatures such as the Daftleks and the Sillymen. Can't DMTV come up with its own ideas for once? What next - 'Robin Hoodie'?
Dr John Smith, location withheld

Des replies: Mr Dr Smith may like to know that our new series
Robin Hoodie starts this Saturday at 7pm.

Dimwits' corner
I am of the opinion that DMTV bosses treat their viewers with utter contempt and disdain. What has Mr Wednesday to say in his defence?
Angry Anderson, Dundee

Des replies: Naff off, loser.

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